A Letter To The New Girlfriend



You don’t know me – at least not in person – but I am sure your new boyfriend (or perhaps he has already persuaded you to call him “girlfriend”?)has told you about me. Priming you for the possible eventuality that our paths might cross. I’m sure he has you well prepared, just as he did with all the others that came before you. All those well meaning young women.
You look young. Maybe fifteen, perhaps twenty years younger than him? He likes young women. In his head his “female self” is a young woman, crazy about clothes, make-up, partying and music. Thats probably why you have a great time with him – he has all the interests of some young women, women un-burdened by the life experiences accrued over 5 decades of a female existence in a world that hates women. He won’t ever be bored with “girlie talk”. He’s like no other guy you have ever met. Isn’t he?
I wonder, who’s idea was it to both dress up a-la Moulin Rouge for Halloween? To have matching dresses (of course his was slightly better made, his corset expensive and boned with strong steel rather than your cheaper version). Did you giggle when he asked you to apply his make up? Did it make you feel special? Did you feel you were in your own little bubble with him? The ritual of his preparation eating into your own time for preparation. But you didn’t mind – it was a special time, wasn’t it? How exciting and edgy it must have felt.
Do you know about the profiles he still has on “adult” sites? Sites for men seeking domination? For men seeking women to “transform” them into “sissy sluts”, or “male maids” or “shemales”? Have you discovered his obsession with “shemale” porn? His longing for and to be one? Do you ever wonder what he is thinking of when he lies there, eyes closed, passive (of course he is – he’s playing the part if “woman”!) as you masturbate him in his version of “sex”. Do you know he was on those sites just last week? Telling others that he needs a woman who will make him her living doll, a plaything to do with as she wishes? Willing to relocate *anywhere* for the right woman “of any gender”. Did he tell you that “it’s not about sex”? Has he tell you that he believes he is a transsexual? Did he tell you the touching story about wanting to wear a dress on his first day at school? Do you feel you want to help him? To be his “special” confidante? Do you want to alleviate his “pain”? To protect and nurture his “feminine” self? It seems like such a project, doesn’t it?

I wonder if after the special Halloween outing, he has said that he would love to go out as his “true self” *every* weekend. It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Particularly since it limits where you can go to places where “she” feels comfortable, and where “she” can be sure to be seen and admired. Say goodbye to going to the cinema – too dark to be seen and flirted with by creepy men, or middle aged men dressed as 18yo party girls, so whats the point? Do you ever go places where *you* want to go? And if you do, does he go with you happily, willingly? Or is it more like being with a sulky 3 year old? Easier just to let him have his way, isn’t it?

I wonder if, when you are at home with him, he casually slips into something “femme”. Do you feel awkward, particularly with your young child there, but don’t want to say anything in case he cries? After all, he is just being his “true self” – how monstrous you would be to deny him (or is it “her” in your head yet?) this right to self expression. Or perhaps you notice that he comes home and puts a bra on. Not a simple, un-wired, barely noticeable bra, but a padded, underwired, lacy construction. Perhaps enhanced by cleavage boosting inserts that push his hormone-induced “breasts” up and out. These “breasts” that will never droop or sag, unlike your own, natural breasts. He’s very proud of them, isn’t he? He likes to show them off, doesn’t he? Have you caught him hanging out the window yet, dressed in just a bra and panties (or maybe with the addition of a suspender belt
and stockings) having a smoke? He likes to do that. I found hundreds of cigarette butts under my window. Hundreds.
So it’s easier just to manage the situation by not having friends around, or people you might have to “explain” it all to. It becomes just the two of you, in your bubble.
He’s blissfully happy, isn’t he. Are you? How do you see your life a year from now, five years. ten? Still so excited about your special bubble?

I hope you have good, close friends. I hope you keep those friends. I hope you don’t, bit by bit, be consumed by his obsession. His obsession with “Zoe”.

I hope you escape before it is too late. Before you are obliterated.

But of course that wont happen, will it? No. You are special. You are amazing. You are the woman of his dreams. His soul mate. He’s never known a woman like you. He loves you. It must be true. He says so.


25 thoughts on “A Letter To The New Girlfriend

  1. You’ve really captured how exhausting it must have been with one of these people in your life. Men are tiring to live with anyway ( not to mention extremely dangerous, of course) but these autognophiles have finely tuned tools when it comes to torturing their female partner, it seems! Death by a thousand cuts!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I am mid-divorce and this post made me almost nauseous with anxiety. Its true, everything you wrote, the behavior, the fake “new breasts” that are shown off, petulant when not getting his way….yep. Its all there. I’m just now, after three months of being separated starting to see the depth and breadth of the self involvement focus. It has always, for many years, been about him and his needs and finally I no longer have to listen, care or do anything. Its not my problem and when I hear and see other woman who are staying I want to say———–run. Because this will take over everything else and for me, that is not what I care about, or want to spend my life dealing with, there is no room for the spouses feelings in their minds, its all about their struggle and pain and in reality, they are angry, confused, men who will always, no matter what, be male and would rather use this issue vs. dealing with whatever else is going on in their minds. I know this sounds bitter and mean, trust me I’m quite nice and supportive to my ex-husband in real life, but this is a constant struggle and one I find hard to continue.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. anna….I too found it hard to read naefearty’s post without a tremendous feeling of horror, of reliving things I would rather push to the back of my head. How else can you get through on a daily basis? I agree with everything you say, and no you are not bitter or mean. Yes, on one hand I want to understand his pain and help him, but not at the cost of losing my identity and sacrificing my innate feelings of who I am as a woman, as a wife to a man and above all as a mother. You are not alone. As for the women that stay, they will wake up one day.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. I don’t talk about it much at all, but a few people know in the blogosphere – this is my life. I’m afraid to comment about it because it might get back to my partner. I’ll probably delete this. I have very little time and space to speak. My alternative is being homeless – I am disabled and have been unemployed for almost 7 years. You nailed this, though.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This sounds to me like he wants to BE her! I have been around enough transsexuals that strangely wanted to be me as well. With that comes jealousy, envy, hatred, and eventually things can and will get ugly. These kind of trannies ( I know a few who are not into the typical emulation of over the top feminization) will never truly love a woman. They will take, take, take from her until she gets hip to what’s really going on, and moves on. Instead of getting to know herself, it’ll be all about HIS needs, wants, and desires. I guess some women like to hang out with trannies to get outside of themselves completely, and cater to someone else.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. narcissistic abuse is common in autogynephiles.. I was gaslighted for years by just such an abuser. I reached peak trans right after I saw what he was really up to online, when it became clear, that far from the female solidarity he liked me to imagine he possessed, he was actually just a perverted misogynistic old man. and the pennies keep on dropping dropping… they do not appreciate anyone questioning their entitlement to do whatever they like to other people in their quest to acquire femininity… their rage is clear to see in any online forum discussing the subject… very scary…. he had me dragged of to hospital and locked up for 5 dys for ‘suicidal intention’ and made malicious reports to social services in an attempt to have my children removed … I also now have very good reasons to believe he was involved in a drug rape incident when I was a teenager involving his then girlfriend and a peculiar staged, lesbian encounter in his bed in his flat, ending with him presenting himself as my rescuer… many years later when I bumped into him as the single mother of two little girls, I fell in love with him, telling my girls that we could trust him because he was an old friend and a true gentleman who would never dream of doing anything to hurt us… the really creepy thing was, this woman was still his ‘best friend’….. they are currently using the trans agenda to discredit me and anyone else who questions this insistence that wearing a bra and a sturdy gusset and calling yourself Deirdre doth a woman make…. I thought I was alone for so long, battling for the truth.. I cannot thank you enough for this platform.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Just wanted to say thank you so much for writing this. It also describes my own experience with a former boyfriend and it’s very reassuring to find out there are others out there who understand.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you for taking the time to comment.
      The biggest thankyou anyone can give me is to pay it forward by being there for other women, and speaking out against the erasure of women. x


  8. Thank you. Wish I could say more but worried about writing anything he might see (just in case). It would be good if there was a private forum of some kind for us to support each other, but realise it’s very difficult to achieve that in practice x


  9. Hi, been look around your site today, I am in Australia and am so blown away that there are more people out there that live or lived as I did and had to justify not being ok with our husbands attitudes . You could be writing about me. I know you are writing the truth as its impossible to make this up. I also know what a world of pain you were in. Thankyou for writing this blog.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Amananta’s comment is very upsetting. I, too, am disabled, and it is horrible to feel trapped because you can’t work. I wish so much that women could set up houses for other women to go to, at least for respite. Not shelters, but places to live and be free. No one should feel she can’t leave her partner due to disability.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. I’ve never dated a trans person, but bits of this post sort of reminded me of the time I dated this 32 year old goth guy when I was 22. Our first date he wanted me to apply his eyeliner lol He was very self-absorbed and sort of aggressive in some ways, sexually too. Also, days before my 23rd birthday, he dumped me and immediately started seeing another 22 year old. From what I know, he also dumped her and started seeing another 22 year old. It’s weird how obsessed with young women these types are. Very pedophilic.

    Liked by 1 person

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