Houston, We Have A Problem

naefearty Feminism, Gender

Satellite_450x350It has been a while since I wrote anything for this blog. I went through a period of needing to step away. I hadn’t realised when I started this that doing this would have quite the emotional impact on me that it has. I started and abandoned several posts, but needed to take that space to concentrate on other things – to avoid being consumed again.
For years my life revolved around someone else’s emotional comfort. Someone else’s want’s, wishes and desires. I became a tiny satellite in orbit around planet Gender. Unable to pull away from it’s gravity, spinning around and around, sending the occasional signal out into the universe, never really being heard. Believing that nothing or no one was hearing my distress signal. Sometimes the signal would be picked up, only to be reflected back at me with a message saying that my message was faulty, that I should return to base for adjustment.
In oh so many ways, it was this that damaged me most. That gave me nightmares. That almost literally killed me with self-neglect. I stopped taking medication I need to function daily. I ignored clear warning signs of serious physical problems. I ate, and ate, and ate, till I could hardly move my body. I self-medicated with alcohol. There are years that are just a blur of self-loathing and numbness. The feeling that the world had gone mad and I was the only sane person left. The self-doubt – maybe it’s *me*.
I have seen a few of my critics say that I have based my “TERF” “bigotry” on my experience with just one bad apple in the trans barrel. I have been accused of lying, of exaggerating. They have said that I was unlucky to find myself with an abusive man. That I shouldn’t extend my “hatred” to a community as a whole based on a bad experience with one individual. As if saying “The Emperor has no clothes” is an act of “hate”. I have been added to their ever expanding list of “TERFs” and “hate groups” (hellooooo, Dave (Dana) Lane Taylor).
To them, I say this:
You have no fucking idea of how I got here. And your opinion means less than nothing to me.
I knew I was in an abusive relationship. I felt paralysed to do anything about it. I just wanted to get my life over as quickly as possible. I actually *felt nothing* any more. No hurt, no joy. Just existence. How many other women live like that? Countless numbers I suspect. It wasn’t till I came to realise that it’s all connected that I saw a window to escape from. It’s all Patriarchy, it’s all gender. From FGM, to “domestic” abuse, to pornography, to prostitution, to men who say they are really women – it’s all connected. It’s all men getting what men want in a man-made world. It is men determining what women are, what women are for, who we can associate with, where we can draw boundaries, whether or not we are fully human. It is men who benefit from erasing our female experience, and instituting a kind of mass amnesia, enforced by threats – of suicide or physical, emotional, or social harm. It is male dominance. It is male violence.
So maybe this blog hurts the feelings of a few men who wish they were women. Quite frankly, I don’t care. It’s not for you – fancy that! I will continue to speak out. I will continue to tell others about the underbelly of transgenderism. I will continue to speak about how GENDER HURTS. `
I know this post hasn’t been a new revelation about my life with a man who thinks he is a woman (I notice that the “confessional” posts get more clicks), and I promise to post something in the next few days. I just needed this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

29 thoughts on “Houston, We Have A Problem”

  1. > From FGM, to “domestic” abuse, to pornography, to prostitution, to men who say they are really women – it’s all connected. It’s all men getting what men want in a man-made world. It is men determining what women are, what women are for, who we can associate with, where we can draw boundaries, whether or not we are fully human.

    FGM. More men are mutilated throughout the world than women. MGM has much less stigma attached to it than FGM. How is this “men getting what men want in a man-made world”? If society was set up by and for men we would surely see more FGM and less (or no) MGM, yet what we have is the opposite.

    Domestic abuse. This is provably not a gender issue with victims being split equally between men and women. However support, shelters, public sympathy, media recognition and condemnation of violence and the law all favour women. Male victims of domestic abuse are barely recognised as even existing and certainly do not receive as much support or sympathy. How is this “men getting what men want in a man-made world”? If society was set up by and for men we would surely see more shelters, support and sympathy for male victims and less (or no) shelters, sympathy and sympathy for female victims. But what we have is the opposite of that.

    Pornography and prostitution. These are both industries where women can and do have more work opportunities than men and command a higher wages/ earnings than men doing the same job. Pornography and prostitution (or just ordinary fashion modelling) are all jobs which allow poor young women to earn an income without any education or experience. In fact even middle class white women often put themselves through college by doing web cams or being an escort (you’d be surprised how many do this). This is an option that is really not available to men. This allows them to gain an education and thus a career without having to clean toilets or wait on tables or wash dishes or get into debt. To imply this is some sort of oppression is to strip these women of their agency, and define them as mere objects. Plenty of jobs are unpleasant and annoying and most people would NOT do their job were it not for the money! Why should porn or prostitution be any more ‘oppression’ than waste disposal, security work, deep sea trawling, cleaning toilets, front line policing or factory work? All of these jobs can be unpleasant, cause injury or ill health and be a real drag.

    Men who say they are really women. Sex / gender are sliding scales. Most people are at one end of the scale but a few people find themselves caught in the middle. Some people are born with ambiguous genitals (a bit of both). Some people are born with female chromosomes but male genitalia (or vice versa). These are medical facts which cannot be denied. But even if transgendered people are just men who want to live as women (and no doubt some do fall into this category) you are ignoring the fact that plenty of women decide to live as men too. In general men do not complain about this. Most of these women (as you would define them) go unnoticed because female bone structure lends itself to male presentation far more than male bone structure lends itself to female presentation. But my point is that if male to female transgendered people are a sign of “getting what men want in a man-made world” then female to male transgendered people are a sign of women getting what they want in a woman-made world too. So it all balances out in the end.

    Turning your own personal issues and personal experiences into a narrative about ‘male oppression’ is not constructive (to put it politely). It does far more harm to society than the things transgendered or gay or any other kind of ‘non-conforming’ men and women get up to.

    The endless feminist narrative about men’s superiority, men’s power, men’s invulnerability, men’s privilege and men’s sociopathy (oppression of women) is precisely what disempowers women the most. Defining women as victims of male oppression defines women as inferior and weak and incapable. This narrative then becomes a self fulfilling prophecy for those women who believe it. You cannot be empowered and in control while claiming to be a helpless victim at the same time. The only feminists benefiting from the narrative of male superiority are those earning a tidy career writing books and giving public talks on the subject or running feminist groups of course (feminism is big business). Ironically these people are exploiting the fears, hopes, ambitions and emotions of very women they claim to be fighting for.

    I have not read your other posts and so have no idea of your situation other than what you say in your last few paragraphs, but if you are living with a transgendered partner in a long term relationship then you need counselling too. I’m sure it is incredibly challenging and I would not know what to do in your situation so I do not want to appear harsh and judgemental…… it’s just that hating on men as a group is surely not the way forward…is it?

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      • I wasn’t going to say anything, because doing so expends energy on this guy, but I wanted to vote for deleting all of his crap, banning him, and keeping away from this type of men focused nonsense. We are surrounded by it as it is.

        His comments aren’t even relevant, just stock anti feminist crap, but look how he has already become the center focus of the comments! Even though your post, and blog, have so many important things to communicate, women are now (inadvertently) focused on him. This is just how men and MRAs like it- turning our attention off of how to help women, and on to men (whether to argue with them, or agree, is irrelevant. The attention is theirs either way.)

        One of the most important, and most freeing, things I have learned since I have been a rad fem, is to stop focusing on men. We are socialized to stop what we are doing and patiently explain things to them, but we must stop this ASAP. Our socialization allows men to easily hijack our message and meetings, stop our conversations, and derail all we are working on, so we have to guard against it. We also need to stop worrying about what they think of us; if we could have talked them into treating us as full humans, we wouldn’t be here now.

        Please don’t take this as a criticism, or that I am trying to tell you what to do on your blog. I don’t mean it that way. Learning how to stop letting men get in the middle of everything, and instead center on women, has been a hard won lesson for me, and I only want to share it with someone I respect.

        (You don’t need to post this either, better to stay on topic.)

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    • What in the actual name of f**k did I just read? Wrong on every single point except possibly MGM where I’m assuming the poster is defining circumcision as mutilation and even then I’m not sure the numbers hold up

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      • OK so in what sense would cutting off the end of a baby’s penis not be genital mutilation?

        If you think domestic abuse is a women only issue then by all means make your case. And if you think men get the same support and sympathy as women feel free to make your case for that too.

        If you agree that MTF transgendered people are evidence of male privilege or male power but FTM are not evidence of female privilege or female power then please feel free to explain that apparent contradiction.

        If you think men are paid more than women in the sex industries or men have more opportunities than women then please make your case for that. If you think women are somehow coerced into sex work (anymore than we are all ‘coerced’ into getting a job we might not enjoy all the time, especially on a Monday morning!) then by all means make your case for that too.

        If you think the feminist narrative of male superiority throughout history does not disempower women and objectify women by stripping women of their agency then feel free to make your case for that too.

        I am open minded and would happily change my views if presented with some compelling arguments or facts. But so far (after four replies) not a single argument of fact has been made by anyone. If what I say is so wrong it should be easy to explain to me how so.

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    • Shaking my head…Did this dude seriously just say that women are lucky because there are lots of good opportunities for job in prostitution? Poor boys. They just have to dream of jobs as doctors, lawyers, head of fortune 500 companies. So sad they can’t get those well paid, safe, fun, jobs in sex work.

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      • 1. I am not a dude
        2. Women generally get paid a lot more in the sex industries than their male counterparts. Just ask ANYBODY (male or female) who has worked in the porn industry. The men generally do not complain because they understand this is simply the result of the economic forces of supply and demand.
        3. It’s interesting that an industry were women are paid significantly more than men for the same work is so vehemently opposed by (most) feminists, who (mostly) support the criminalisation of sex work even though this puts women (and men) at risk and goes against the wishes of the people actually working in the sex industries.
        4. The alternative to sex work is not being a doctor, lawyer or head of a fortune 500 company. Those all require significant investment of time and money to get an education and climb the career ladder. Sex work requires no formal education, although that is not to say sex workers are not skilled at what they do (for example knowing how to deal with physically disabled people’s needs – which make up a significant proportion of sex workers’ clients). The male equivalent of the average female sex worker is a male sex worker. But if he cannot earn enough doing that he will likely do what most unskilled or part time workers do and wait tables, wash dishes, clean toilets etc.
        5. The women and men who choose to work in the sex industry as a means to an end do so because they find that work more appealing than cleaning toilets, waiting tables, washing dishes, selling drugs, 9-5 office work, door to door or telephone sales or working in a shop. Think about it. If they found those jobs more appealing than sex work they would choose to do them instead wouldn’t they? You are implying these women have no agency which is insulting. Just because YOU don’t want to work in the sex industry, or would not be able to earn a living doing so, does not mean other women and men feel the same way or can’t earn a decent income doing so. As I mentioned already, a lot of young women (such as students) earn a very decent supplementary income by taking their clothes off on their own bed in front of a webcam. You bet your life they prefer doing this to scrubbing floors or washing dishes! Have you ever actually talked to a sex worker? You seem to have a very out-of-touch view of who these people are and what their motivation is. I suggest you read a blog like ‘the honest courtesan’ and listen to a real life sex worker talk about the industry and how it works. I dare you to leave a comment telling her she is some kind of oppressed victim of the ‘patriarchy’ or that sex work is somehow demeaning and unsavoury, which seems to be your attitude.

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      • He did not even have to flash any dick to give away -it’s a man posting a reply. I was going to point out why, but since all the women already know,…I won’t waste my time to bother to explain to him.

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  4. Good post naefearty, and sorry you have to put up with whiny idiots like curiosetta. Their comment is very telling of the male mindset and how natural it seems for men to want to do harm to women’s bodies: “If society was set up by and for men we would see more FGM..” and so on.

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    • > “If society was set up by and for men we would see more FGM..”

      Just to be clear that is not MY OWN personal view. naefearty said “From FGM, to “domestic” abuse, to pornography, to prostitution, to men who say they are really women – it’s all connected. It’s all men getting what men want in a man-made world. …”

      So the implication was that ‘men’ as a group want FGM. I was arguing against the logic of that assertion, by pointing out that MGM is actually more prevalent than FGM.

      My own views are that it’s more complex than just men wanting to mutilate women, or indeed women wanting to mutilate men. I reject the underlying assumption that men and women operate in isolated ‘tribes’ or ‘bubbles’ which are completely separate to each other. That is absurd. MGM and FGM are cultural relics from a more barbaric age and both men AND women participate in inflicting this abhorrent act on their babies.

      There is no force on earth that could make a woman allow her baby’s genitals to be mutilated (male or female) against her will! Therefore we have to accept that mothers consent to the practice and so can be just as barbaric (or just brainwashed) as the fathers are in allowing this practice to continue, in spite of the obvious immorality of it as well as the well established medical facts (it is both dangerous and harmful in the long and short term to both males and females).

      Also genital mutilation (male and female) varies geographically and from culture to culture. It is a CULTURAL/ RELIGIOUS practice, which means the local CULTURE/ RELIGION determines how much mutilation is carried out. If it was a global male conspiracy against women then the practice would not be so varied, given that the male population is the same all over the world.

      I would never anybody near my baby (male or female) with a knife, would you? You’d have to physically restrain me! I’m sorry but nobody gets to mutilate a baby or child without the parents’ consent.

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  5. ‘If you think women are somehow coerced into sex work (anymore than we are all ‘coerced’ into getting a job we might not enjoy all the time, especially on a Monday morning!) then by all means make your case for that too.’
    Maybe Curiosetta could put this to these girls in Bristol?
    http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2014/nov/27/guilty-prostitution-bristol-rape-girls-sex-abuse-somali?CMP=EMCNEWEML6619I2
    It strikes me as telling that the typical MTF gets to choose the ‘woman he needs to be’; white, middle class, successful career and all the privileges that come with that. These girls had no choice when they were born into dysfunctional and abusive families; when local authority ‘care’ left them alone and vulnerable at the age of 16 ripe to be exploited and abused. In other parts of the world it must be every girls fear to walk alone. Even if she lives in a good neighbourhood and has a caring family, male family friends and relatives prey on the vulnerabilities of young girls who place their trust in them. http://www.theguardian.com/cities/video/2014/nov/25/lata-drugged-kidnapped-mumbai-brothel-sex-slave
    These are just two reports in the press that I’ve read in the last few days. IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. And much less sensational cases go unreported all the time.

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  7. Naefearty, I’m so glad to see you posting again. Your blog is so important. I know of a couple of women in relationships with men who pretend to be women and I wish I could recommend your writing to them, sadly they are still trying to be happy, supportive li’l satellites. That is one of the most heartbreaking situations a woman can find herself in.

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  8. Its always an emotionally taxing thing to talk publicly about the abuse one has suffered as a woman. The thing about your particular situation is that there is little feminist solidarity about this form of male violence you suffered through and it makes me angry there aren’t more resources for women going through this.
    When I did a video review of “gender hurts” by Jeffreys a pig in a wig came by my video to take issue with the fact that Jeffreys, let alone anyone else would be interested in how transitioning impacts the female partners of the men and women who do this.
    His misogynistic opinion aside, thats not an uncommon sentiment. Everything revolves around the narcissistic abusers identity, even in most feminist circles.
    You’re creating new territory here, like sisters before you who didn’t have words to speak about their experiences of family rape or sexual harassment it is only through brave women coming forward and being the first to do so that a dialogue can begin that can change the whole understanding we have.

    But yeah, what you went through fundamentally is about MALE sexual entitlement and while it may take many forms it is what it is.

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  10. I am glad you have this blog and I hope you can help other women who were/are in relationships with these men. There are few support groups for these women because every thing always ends up revolving around the man and his sparkly new identity. Anyway, keep up the good work.

    As for the MRA talking points, yawn, move along, nothing new to see here. The myth that prostitution is empowering is pretty disgusting. Oh, and the reason why women have domestic violence shelters is because women busted their asses setting them up, despite having less resources then men,

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