Horse Whispering

” The media image of the Transvestite is of a gentle caring man who is adored by his wife for his feminine qualities. Often he is compared against the drunken womaniser brimming with machismo who beats his wife regularly. It is not surprising then that those in the caring professions often express confusion when a woman is presented who is traumatised and defeated by her relationship with a gender dysphoric subject.

This dichotomy of experience begs the question of Why?’ some women are unable to cope or escape their perceived ordeal. Certainly individual characteristics relating to both the wife and the spouse are significant. Not all GD spouses are powerful men. Many wives are assertive women. For many couples however this balance is not achieved. Wives are often browbeaten, tired and at least a little neurotic. Many women would have left their relationship, but find that for some reason they are unable to make the move. The commonest complaint that most affects wives is when the spouse openly and persistently apes, mimics, copies or shadows their wife’s actions.”

http://www.gender.org.uk/conf/1998/diana.htm

Those of you reading this who have been through or are going through experiences similar to my own,  will recognise much of what woman is talking about in this article.
This article is from 1998. Little has changed in the ways that “helping” professions deal with the female partners of these men. In fact,  I would go so far as to say that in many ways it is worse. The conspiracy of silence built by the transgenderist movement is effectively further silencing the voices of women who need to speak out about the psychological abuses perpetrated on them by men who demand to be called “women”. If this article was published today, the author would be called  bigot and “transphobic”. She would likely be ostracised, harrassed, and threatened. She would have speaking engagements cancelled due to the concerted efforts of transgenderists and their supporters harrassing venues, demanding that she be “no platformed”, or alleging that her very presence violates “safe space” policies. These are all things that are happening now to any woman who dares to stray from the accepted transgenderist narrative, or who dares to speak their truth. Her words would be branded as “violence”. She doesn’t even have to call herself a feminist for this to happen. Not even the mildest percieved criticism can be tolerated by the transgenderist movement. Most likely because their assertions (being built on an “identity” that requires external compliance to be validated) have no basis in objective reality,  but are merely word-salad and bluster.

Men cannot be women.
Men cannot be lesbians. No matter what name they adopt, what clothes they wear or how many linguistic tricks they pull.
Penis is not female.
Transwomen are men.

The *real* violence, is happening in these relationships, and in forcing women to change what “woman” means – and in the process robbing us of our ability to describe our experiences,  our reality. The very tools of our liberation.

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11 thoughts on “Horse Whispering

  1. Yes. I remember reading this nearly 2 years ago after my husband had dropped the ‘bombshell’. In fact I printed it out and wrote in pencil alongside it ‘1998, why hasn’t anyone done any research since then with the women who know what is going on, the wives?’ Sadly I don’t think anyone has. I would agree that it has probably got worse, even in the last 2 years. I have had to find reserves of strength that I didn’t know I had not to be sucked in to following his ‘programme’, into drinking the kool-aid and dishing it out to my children. At times I thought I was going crazy. I would never describe myself as self confident or assertive, but I do have self respect. I’m hoping to be emerging from this nightmare soon as the divorce hearing is coming up. He is still at home, but I have always refused to allow his female alter-ego into the house. He’s pushed at so many boundaries, hoping to wear me down.
    I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last 2 years and I’ve felt alone, afraid and vulnerable, I’ve suffered nightmares and post-traumatic stress; been prescribed anti depressants for the first time ever in my life.The ultimate in gas-lighting is being told ‘you’re not thinking of the children’ because I’ve refused to co-operate with his grand plan. If I get angry and raise my voice whist trying to get through to him that I am not going along with it then I’m accused of being violent.
    What I want to say to other women who find themselves in this position is believe in yourself and your gut feelings of what is right or wrong, acceptable or not acceptable for you. Confide in your closest friends. They will be there for you. Get yourself a good psychologist. Give yourself time to process and understand what is going on. I learned very quickly that there is no self-help manual entitled ‘Help, my husband is trans-gender’. There are some good books on dealing with narcissistic personality, psychopathic behavior and misogynists. Read some and start reexamining everything you thought you knew about about your relationship and the person you were married to.
    You can’t change biology. I married a man. We had 2 children. He provided the sperm and I the egg. Our anatomical differences were necessary so that sperm and egg could get together and develop inside my body for 9 months before each child was born. It’s that simple.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I agree, Atranswidow! I also read this quite a while back, and was struck by how many women have been absolutely broken by the unrelenting and unapologetic “baby-stepping” that is so encouraged by trans resources.

    This is NOT golfing or fishing or some other hobby that does not impact a wife. It is an aggressive and escalating affront to the very identity of the spouse. If she has no bi-sexual or lesbian tendencies, if she is repulsed by the changes that she sees more and more frequently, she is labeled as “transphobic” or uneducated or irrational or selfish. Wives are fed “this is only clothing choices” or “this is YOUR problem, not mine”, because if she truly loved him, instead of the person he deliberately portrayed himself as for so many years, she would accept ALL of him and encourage his exploration of what will make him happy. The wife’s happiness is discounted. Her sexual identity and sexual preferences are inconsequential, and she has no firm footing to object, because her husband will only admit to what CANNOT be denied, having been caught with unambiguous evidence.

    Women who admit that they have a significant problem with their husband’s compulsive dressing are belittled and seen as unreasonable bitches (by their husbands, support sites, and PC commentators who have no actual experience with how this can make a wife feel). This can be devastating to a wife who is strongly heterosexual. She knows that she is not a lesbian, but she is being coerced (through evocation of her wedding vows, her love for her husband and family, by the blame she is subjected to, the guilt she feels for not being able to see past this “harmless quirk”) into a sexual relationship with a man who is fantasizing that he is a woman. Additionally, she often no longer FEELS like a woman, if, as my ex did, he is also fantasizing that the wife is the male in bed.

    These wives were sold a person who did not exist…then are blamed bitterly when they begin to break down and cannot continue in the relationship. Most are in isolation, bewildered, gaslighted, and uncertain of the reality of their perceptions…because everything that they see and feel about this is denied or minimized by their husbands or the support sites that they go to for help. I know that I was so traumatized over the years, that I was paralyzed by fear and focused on “fixing myself” so that I could keep my family intact.

    I agree, wives need to investigate narcissistic behavior, gaslighting. emotional domestic abuse…the scary part of all of this is that this type of abuse can be done without detection by the wife because she is being told by so many resources that she is the one who is being abusive or unreasonable. It is no wonder that these wives continue to stay in their relationships until they are unfunctional. They are being abused, but no one says anything. It’s time to speak up.

    Shelly

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Thank you, naefearty, atranswidow and Shelly for sharing your experiences and knowledge. I think it’s barbaric that so many “invisible” barriers are put in the way of allowing women to even speak of what is happening to them. no matter what the politics of the therapy community, there is no reason to impede and hinder someone from articulating their trauma and seeking help, but that is exactly what’s happening. Women should have not just a space to articulate what’s happening to them, not just readily available (and not secret) written resources like the ones mentioned here, but the recognised right to seek personal and group support without hindrance and gatekeeping from therapists and Trans “activists”. I’m so sorry and so angry that any of you had to feel so alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just about an hour ago, I saw some really sick sexual texts in my BHs (bad husband) phone, about meeting random strangers for BJs, etc, with him all dressed up, of course! There were several; one dress up sex date is set for tomorrow (!!!), and another guy already came by. He was *right next door*, and BH was all “my wife just woke up!” but I think BH went anyway.
    This was *on Thanksgiving, after telling me, that morning, that he was not spending time or doing anything with me and the kids, so not to bother him, he’s tired from work…..*
    I guess he was not too tired for meth and dress up fetish sex w strangers…..

    This follows me finding a ton of pornographic type selfies, on the computer I share with my kids, earlier this week. You have to understand- the screen is our large TV, not a normal computer, so anything you pull up is huge, and the whole house sees it. To top it off, one pic (not gross, thank goddess) opened up, and mt 2yr old was like “Mommy!” (she saw a shirt and long hair and assumed it was me 😦

    I wanna point out- If this was a husband meeting other women/men, a wife could get sympathy and understanding from just about anyone. Everyone would say he’s a scum, a dog, and start plotting divorce and revenge for the aggrieved women. Everyone knows sending dirty selfies, and picking up ransoms for sex online is a no no when married/partnered!

    But, since he is dressing up as a woman and meeting men, the odds of these excursions being blamed on ME are pretty high. The wife will always be blamed for the TS or xdressers sneaking, because the sneaking must be due to shaming from wifey, not because, well, these autogynophiles are just into being sneaky, even when they don’t have to be. If I was supportive, he wouldn’t be doing this, right? (Ugh, so untrue).
    Thankfully my friends aren’t nuts or into the whole trans mess, so I will get some support. But it’s still uber embarrassing in a way few people can grasp. I can’t even imagine telling ky friends this stuff. How humiliating.

    His utter selfishness is always amazing to me. I guess nothing should surprise or amaze me at this point, but it does. It never seems to end, it’s him, him, him, him, all day long.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ugh. I’m rooting for you to get that POS out of your life asap.
      These men have no shame. I found messages and photos that were sent on Christmas Day, my birthday, while we were on a date night, while he was lying in bed beside me – it was relentless. And they say it’s not about sex, or some kind of fetishistic compulsion, but that it’s a tortured soul seeking validation for “her” “true self”… excuse me while I laugh hysterically and smash something.
      Yet we get the blame.
      I thought for a while that I could “control” his behaviour. That if I was *more* supportive, accepted *more* trips out with him dressed up, encouraged his fantasy of “transitioning” – that his compulsion toward exhibitionism and constant seeking of “validation” would stop…oh what a fool I was.
      Readers, it doesn’t stop. It just gets worse. If you are in a relationship with one of these men – run.
      If you are one of these men reading this, stay the fck away from women.

      Like

      • I’m in the minority in that my BH at least says that it’s 100% sexual, but while he wouldnt claim to be trans now, he still does think of himself as accessing his “feminine” side (which is a stereotypical pornchik…)

        He *has* told me that had he been able to “become a woman”, he might have, but being afraid of being seen this way in his hometown stopped him. Had he been 15 years younger, or had been able to go far away, IMO, he would be a M2T. In his case it’s an issue of internalized homophobia, informed by a strong dose of sexism. Honestly, the WHY is just not relevant anymore.

        Whether they admit it’s sexual, or claim full “womanhood” (conciously or not) doesn’t make as much of a difference as you think it would, because all the same traits are there. The compulsion, the utter selfishness, the lies, the lack of respect for even basic boundaries, etc. Their role is also just not possible without the sexual oppression of women.

        I would think there would be less mindfuxking with this type of a xdresser, vs a full on trans, because you wouldn’t have to deny their male-ness. But the rest of the problems that come with this fetish are there. The societal shaming is definitley still there. After all, he is still a man, which means his needs are to be prioritized, and any inadequacies are to be foisted on whatever woman is closest. If he is married, it’s the wife, if not, then mom gets the blame.

        In our case, he has always been this way, but the recent escalation will be blamed on me because I refuse any PIV with him. That I got to the point of refusing all sexual contact ~because~ of a decade of ignoring my needs to focus on his, is totally ignored. Women disregarding her needs to cater to men is the way it’s supposed to be in patriarchy, and any deviation is considered a failure of the wife (and lesser, of the male for not keeping his woman in line- puke just tying that!). My revolting against this is considered the ultimate betrayal. Which of course means it’s the only actions keeping me sane and alive…

        I am done with the self neglect and hate. Radical feminism saved my life in this way as it allowed me to see myself as a woman worth caring for, and to understand that there really is a problem and its men.

        At this point, I am working on an escape. I hadnt really considered it because of the very real threat of homelessness and even worse poverty (there are no benefits here that will keep you housed, even w 2 kids). It was easier to ignore the abuse and the sick sex stuff, when he was hiding it well, and just focus on daily life. I even stayed through a nasty fight (cops and all) where he threatened to murder us all, because the devil you know seemed better than one you don’t.

        ~*(that fight was over PIV- I stood my ground and explained my refusal. I said he was a shitty, uncaring, inconsiderate, lover, and even though he knows how little effort he put into my sexual (or any) needs, this still “destroyed his ego”. These hurt feelings made him so upset he “broke down” and was enraged enough to be violent- Male privilege and entitlement at it’s finest. Can you imagine a woman going on such a rampage, and getting away w it, just because she was called a lacking lover in bed?)~

        Then my kids found his selfies, followed by my 2yr old handing me a broken piece of a meth pipe (this morning!). Now he is either losing his ability to keep the drugs and sex fetish separated from our family, or he simply doesn’t care enough to be more careful. IDK, and it doesn’t matter.

        I hope it’s OK I post this here. I have no one I can talk about this with, not just because of the shame and humiliation, but also because I don’t want the added blame and disdain for not leaving already, or if I cannot leave right away. Most people have no idea how abuse works, or how you can be trapped to the point that you consider even a horrible situation better than the unknown. I don’t want the looks of pity, with the superiority that comes with them. I dont want the calls to child services which will get me in trouble just like the offender!!! Better to keep this all to myself.

        I will say that the women from the sexual abuse and womens shelters (2 different groups) have been wonderful and not at all judgmental. But I can only see them one on one, and obviously I can’t take up all their time. The services are great, but sadly, I cannot even go to what would helP me the most- a sex abuse survivor group because it’s open to “all that identify as women”. Argh.

        When your problem is a xdresser w out boundaries, you sure as f don’t want to go to a group w them! and even when none show up (at least one always seems to) who wants to tell this kind of story to a group when the facilitator is all pro trans erasure of women as a sex class??? They have groups for all genders, and one on one services, so there’s no reason the M2T should be in a woman only group.

        What a surprise, It’s like everywhere I turn, everyone says MEN MEN MEN MEN are important, not you, lowly woman! /snark

        Wow that was a tangent. Sorry for the derail. as always I totally understand if you don’t post this. And I thank you so much for having this blog, it’s made me realize I’m not alone, and women do save their lives!
        With Much admiration and respect,
        Free from sex pozzies

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Free from sex pozzies…my heart goes out to you. I’m coming to the end of almost 30 years of what I thought was a partnership, a marriage, except for the ‘secret’ that he kept and I unwittingly encouraged by turning a blind eye..you see I still blame myself. That’s what women do.

    ‘The compulsion, the utter selfishness, the lies, the lack of respect for even basic boundaries, etc.’

    Yes, I too thought I was being open minded. Every time that he pushed at my boundaries I thought that maybe he would stop there; but every time a little bit more. Once it was no longer a private matter, once he had the Facebook Page as his alter ego, once he started ‘coming out’ to more and more people and damned if it upset me or his teenage sons then I had to do something. Right to the end he has zero understanding or empathy; has legally changed his name by deed poll and changed his passport, whilst still living at home with us; even whilst i filed for divorce. Has refused to listen to my NO and asserted his right to do all of this and remain at home with us to the bitter end.

    So please make the step, get him out of your life and children’s lives. I still don’t know how I’m going to survive financially, but one things for sure the option of giving up my identity so that he can change his is not an option; not for me or for my kids.

    You’re not alone. Don’t let this make you lose your trust in people. I have been amazed at how people whom I didn’t know that well have been so supportive of me. Once you open up to other people they respond. I couldn’t have found my lawyer or my therapist and kept my self respect intact without taking the plunge and reaching out to others. You certainly find out who your true friends are living through this.

    …’ it doesn’t stop. It just gets worse. If you are in a relationship with one of these men – run.’

    So, so true. Naefearty, thank you for saying what needs to be said. I admire your courage for taking all the flack and abuse from these men on-line, just because you’ve given women a space to share their stories.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t begin to describe how deeply honoured I am when women tell their stories here.
      This is one of the least understood forms of abuse. Where are the reseach papers? Where is the specialist training for therapists, counsellors or so-called “support” agencies? Yet search for ” how to support transgender” and there are tens of thousands of studies, reports, training opportunities, et al. Academic institutions and Givernment agencies are throwing money at research, specialist agencies and political groups ( that act as lobbyists for Trans Inc . ) . Yet there is nothing, nada, zip for anything to do with women recovering from or still trapped in this abuse. Our voices are unwanted and unwelcome.
      I recently saw a policy document from a Women’s Aid branch which was on “trans inclusion” in their services. It actually stated that if women using the service had issues with trans “women” in their refuge or support space then those women should be “educated” about “gender and trans inclusion”. I am enraged to say the least that the feelings of these MEN take precedent over the needs of vulberable women. In an organisation that was set up by and for women.
      And yet, these men are “oppressed”…..

      Like

  6. That article you linked wasn’t confrontational towards the trans at all, but you are right that if that woman had wrote the article today she would be blacklisted and receive a ton of threats. All for suggesting that women need support when they are married to these dudes.

    Freefromsexpozzies, I hope you can take the step to leave that husband if you haven’t already. I am especially concerned about the meth use because that is a federal crime and I wouldn’t want your husband to make up some bs about you being an accessory.

    The notion that women need to be “educated” if they have “issues” with trans “women” is so smug and elitist. I was in an alphabet soup organization and I have read so much trans rhetoric. Yet, that doesn’t change the fact that men cannot be women (or the other way around)! Males and females are different and sex is binary with the rare exception of intersex people. (And the trans cult likes to appropriate their experiences and identity too.) It is natural for women to be wary of men, especially men like the trans cult members who have no respect for boundaries, create these elaborate fake personas, and get off on lesbian’s/women’s oppression. It is perfectly fine to be off-put by someone who was lying to you and hiding their real self. My advice to women is that your safety, both mental and physical, is always more important than hurt male feels.

    Oh, and ew to abuse support groups based on male feelz. I wouldn’t be surprised if males going to those things are there to fuel their sexual perversions. Isn’t modern-day feminism that equates female-only (and especially lesbian-only) spaces with bigotry just wonderful?

    Like

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