On Selfies, Porn and Balls

Just one of the things that baffles and distresses many partners of autogynephilic men, is the apparent need these men have for posting “selfies” on social media and file hosting/sharing sites. What gives with the trans and the selfie? Really, what is going on here? Say the word “selfie”, and it probably conjures up a face pic, perhaps. Someone smiling or pouting into the camera, perhaps with a landmark in the background, or a kitten held to the face.
In the case of autogynephiles, these photos go way beyond the flirty head and shoulders shot (that’s when a head is even visible in the photo), and stray into the territory of faux “glamour” shots, or even full on pornography. Often times, it is a disembodied body part – I could pay my rent for a year if I had a penny for every “looking down the stocking clad legs to the shoes” shot. Or a body shot from the neck down. I see two functions for these headless shots. One for the sake of anonymity (what if Bert’s co-workers found that!?), the other because they just don’t “pass” – and anyway, who needs to look at the face when one is banging one out? For the record, my torturer is particularly fond of photographing his repellent, hormone-induced “breasts”, cupped in his hands with his oh so long nails on display. Conjuring up that image is actually making me queasy. Apologies to those of you with a delicate constitution.
Discovering such photos on a phone or a computer, and quite likely (with a bit more digging) hosted in the public domain on sites such as Flickr, is a sick-making experience. In fact, if you are brave, go to Flickr, search for “transgender”, look at what you find.
Reading the comments underneath from similarly deluded men such as “Wow, babe, gorgeous!”, or “Mmmmmm, yummy – show me more, hon.” almost made me vomit on more than one occasion. And no matter how many times I asked him to “STOP THAT SHIT”, it never would. More and more would appear. As usual, my voice may well have not been there.
He would say things like, “I like to look at them when I’m depressed. It cheers me up”, or “Some sites won’t let you join unless you have photographs” (what sites, I would wonder, require members to post semi-nude pictures of yourself??) Or “I like getting feedback as a woman”…. the “validation excuse”, as I called it. The fact that this “feedback” consisted of men (in dresses or otherwise) telling him how much they wanted to “fuck his tight, Tgirl pussy” wasn’t lost on me. This wasn’t the validation of “Hey, you are a strong, gifted woman – I like your character and views on the world!”, this was the “validation” of a porn soaked-man’s idea of what “validation” means to women.

 

I don’t argue that there are girls and women out in the wider world for whom pleasing the male gaze is a source of validation. Anyone with a smidgeon of feminist consciousness could un-pack the politics behind that. But the fact that this was *the only* form of validation being sought….I told him countless times that I didn’t even want to be friends with the “woman” he thinks he is, let alone a romantic partner.
In my time online looking for help with this whole experience, I would often ask these men why they did this. I didn’t ever get what I felt was an honest answer – too invested they were with normalising the obsessions, and papering over the obvious sexual motivations. And over time I saw many partners come into these “support” spaces and ask the same question – “Why does he do that?” Maybe I can’t ever get to the answer of that (I can certainly theorise), but I can speak about the impacts on myself, and on other women who have found themselves dealing with this behaviour in their relationship. I was disgusted and alarmed. I felt betrayed, and gaslighted by the excuses and lies. I felt powerless to stop it. All the female partners I spoke to shared these emotions.
One female partner, who I became quite close to, spoke to me of her disgust at finding a carrier bag under the desk where her husband used the computer with sperm encrusted socks and towels in them. He liked to play the submissive and had many photographs of himself as “Maid M*******” (I don’t want to publish all the name out of discretion for his wife). The socks and towel were from his hours and hours in front of the screen, reading comments and viewing photos that other “maids” and “mistresses” had left under his thousands of photos, and in chat rooms for the perverted.
Yet still they insist it is “not about sex”. They insist this to their wives and girlfriends who they tell that it is a result of an innate “femininity”, that they are “born this way”, that they deserve respect and honour for their feminine selves…
And it doesn’t just stop with a few “cheesecake” photos. Like most of the behaviour common to these men, it escalates. More and more photos, more and more sites, more and more fetish. On and on and on. I knew it was never going to stop when I found pictures of his panty encased (sometimes exposed) penis on a photo sharing site. He admitted to me that he had an online “mistress”, and one of his “tasks” was to post a photograph of his penis (and make sure he was wearing underwear of her choosing) any time she asked for it. So this could be several times a day, and even in the middle of the night. He would recieve a text, and he would pop to the bathroom and take a photograph and post it on the site. The mental image of him furiously wanking in a toilet cubicle at work and taking a photograph of the result to post on the internet for all to see won’t ever leave me. It didn’t seem to register with him that this “mistress” was quite probably another fetishist in a dress, and not the woman in the porny images on the profile for “Mistress Carolyne”. It didn’t seem to bother him that once out there, he couldn’t take the photos back. In fact that seemed part of the thrill for him. The “exposure” fantasy so common in these men and their demands for “forced feminisation”. In the end, it is all porn. In the final cut, these men are their own pornography. Viewer, actor and distributor. The male gaze catering to the male gaze.
Another time, he accidentally sent me a mirror shot of himself taken in a toilet cubicle (the kind with a sink and mirror contained within the cubicle) of himself in a corset top with his skirt pulled up exposing his crotch and suspenders. He sent it by SMS. While we were out for an evening. So even when we were having “a couple’s night out” the photo taking and sending wasn’t abated. The sexual haze was strong.
(Who am I kidding? “Nights out” never actually involved me.)

 

Even prior to the internet, men who think they are women took photographs. The film developed and printed by private and “discreet” services catering to the needs the “fetish community”. There is a long history of this behaviour, and archivists have uncovered photographs of men dressing in clothes normally assigned to women that go back to the earliest days of photography. Some of these were made into postcards for private consumption and sharing. Just as the images produced today are.
More recently there are the photographs discovered in a thrift shop that went on to form the basis of the book Casa Susanna , a collection of photographs of transvestites from the 50s and 60s taken at a hideaway ranch in the Catskills. These photographs are described a “poignant” and “moving” by the gay man who found them and gathered them into book form. The book is now considered a cultural classic, and Harvey Feinstein has even made a play about it. I can’t help but wonder if these men’s wives (likely unaware of their husband’s “hobby”, or living in silent fortitude while their husbands took off for weekends with others who shared their “fantasies”) would have thought these photo’s “poigniant” …
One more story involving photographs. The torturer and I were in a “tranny friendly” bar one time. There were two old transvestites there. One I dubbed Mrs Silk because of his obvious satin fetish. The other I named “Wee Ernest Borgnine” because well, he looked like a short Ernest Borgnine in drag. They asked if they could join our table, so we made room for them.
Ernest Borgnine, pretty much out of nowhere, leant over the table and said to me “Do you like balls?” I must have looked slightly taken aback, since he followed that with “I mean, do you like going to balls?. Still slightly phased, I replied do him that no, balls aren’t really my thing, in fact I don’t think I have even been to or invited to “a ball”. He asked me, “Would you like to see photos?. Not knowing what to say to that I mumbled something like, “Hmm, yeah, s’pose so…”.He produced from his handbag, not a phone with some snaps he had taken stored on it, but a photograph album. In fact I saw in his bag that he had three or four more such albums. He proceeded to show me these photos of himself and other transvestites at what looked like formal functions held in hotels. He wore an impressive arrange of formal gowns, as did his friends. I honestly didn’t know what to say to Ernest Borgnine till he came to one particular photograph. It was of him, in a white halter neck pleated dress posed in Marlyn Munroe’s iconic, legs apart, bent slightly forward pose from “The Seven Year Itch”. His Borgnine face grinning into the camera, a fan heater on the floor in front of him, blowing up the skirt of the dress and showing his skinny man legs encased in nylon. “Um, well, that’s quite a pose”, I said. He beamed and told me that he had even better ones than that to show me, as he reached into his bag for another album.

 

You like balls, Rover?
You like balls, Rover?
Advertisements

28 thoughts on “On Selfies, Porn and Balls

  1. I’ve been thinking about the IT connection and “transgender.” I learned years ago that people who spend a LOT of time on computers — I don’t mean using them for work, using them to communicate — seem to be people who feel uncomfortable relating to other human beings, animals, and the planet. So even before they may become fetishists, many of these people have mental health issues that are not helped by spending their time taking porn photos of themselves, being encouraged in fantasies by so-called therapists, and other means of avoiding their very serious underlying issues.

    Like

  2. I used to wonder if I was the only woman out there who could see that this behavior was sexually driven. I knew, by that point, that my partner’s actions most certainly were…but it took a ridiculous amount of time before I could say it without hesitation or self-doubt.
    Before I finally acknowledged this, I searched the (very sparse) pre-internet resources. Always, always finding the “it’s just the material” or “it allows me to access my sensitive, compassionate side”. These rationalizations, echoed by man after man, gave great weight to my husband’s words in the isolated world I found myself in. And they greatly damaged my ability to trust my own perceptions.
    I think the real harm to women involved with these men comes from having their reality denied. They are told that they are using preconceived notions to label their husbands if they see past the words to the truth. They are advised to break it down…what is so offensive about scraps of fabric? They are asked why they are so insecure in their own identity that this would be threatening to them. They are shamed as they are told that their husbands are “the same man they said they loved”, just with different wrapping. Told they are shallow, immature, uneducated, blowing everything out of proportion. They are told to believe their husbands “open and honest” communication. These women are trapped because they are not allowed to see what they are seeing…and when they sink into a miserable state of confusion, depression and anxiety, it holds them unable to get the fuck out. How could they destroy their families over something so innocent and harmless?
    Please keep up the good work…this stuff needs to be heard.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thankyou, Abby58.

      This:

      ” I think the real harm to women involved with these men comes from having their reality denied.”

      particularly strikes a chord.

      I am hoping that I (along with other women who may post here) can reach women who similarly are having their reality denied. I wish I could hold each and every one of their hands and tell them that they are not alone. That I believe them. That they really can trust their perceptions.

      Liked by 3 people

  3. It is a masochistic emasculation fetish, as in sexual arousal by the anxiety of oneself being associated to symbols of emasculation. Though it must be said, that those that seek transition, seldom will be acting on the fetish itself, but on the psychological internalization and dysphoria historically deriving from the fetish, for which transition may be justified. It (the sexualization of emasculation PTSD) is an extremely worrying symptom of the culture explored in the upcoming documentary “The Mask You Live In”

    Like

  4. I just don’t get it. It’s obvious it is sexually fuelled. Who gives a damn why. We could try to analyse, speculate, denbate till the cows come home. Fact is..it is a sexual thing. End of. These people are sexually driven. They are demeanng to women and most of them in fact hate women. Go figure.

    Liked by 3 people

    • You are failing to grasp the phenomenon in it’s entirety if you are saying the men are simply sexually driven. Meaning that the psychological internalization of the fetish, is for the internalization to take on a life of it’s own, whilst not necessarily being constrained by sexuality. Especially in the case of where subjects try hormones and the capability of being sexually stimulated is all but diminished, where they are simply left with the ingrained psychology.

      “They are demeanng to women and most of them in fact hate women..”

      Where the sexual fantasies are constituted in the anxiety of emasculation “Be a man you wimp, be tough!”, if we could characterise “hatred” in this, it is in the hatred of not living up the role that is socially expected of oneself. Whereby the sexual fantasies are predominantly composed of symbols which are perceived to be as far removed from manliness as possible (androphilia, crossdressing, sex change etc)

      I agree that much of the internalized affiliations which the subjects perceive to be woman-like is demeaning (it is predominantly through the context of masochistic emasculation), but in actuality and even ironically, there tends to be an extreme idealization of all things feminine & female-like and a great fear and repulsion of hypermasculinity.

      Like

      • I am trying not to comment on this site, but this is simply too much for me. The trailer for this film is all very well; I agree totally that boys AND girls need to be taught to express their genuine feelings, though how this can come about when we are parented by people who were taught NOT to express genuine feelings I am not sure.

        What you are leaving out is called ENTITLEMENT. Plenty of men and women cannot express their feelings, were punished for expressing their feelings, yet do not go around killing, raping, and assaulting women. Or dressing up as women to indulge themselves in their sexual fantasies. If so many of these men have such a fear and repulsion toward hypermasculinity, why have so many of them joined the military and stayed in for decades? If one does not like hypermasculinity — as I do not — the military would seem to be the last place one would want to land. Rather, I would suggest to you, these are people who need a FORMAT to “express” themselves; the military gives one that, as does pretending one is a woman. There is an absence of a genuine internal life, so a format is needed. And what better format than one that is sexually self-indulgent?

        When you leave entitlement out of male socialization in patriarchy, you are left with a very weird puzzle indeed, and need to come up with such bullshit as “masochistic emasculation fetish.” You seem not to realize that there are men who take estrogen AND Viagra, a nice chemical stew. If you read naefearty’s first blog, you will realize that many of these men have absolutely no difficulty in getting and maintaining an erection — that’s why they wallow in their fetish.

        I do not consider plastering on makeup and wearing frilly clothes to be “idealization of the feminine.” If one idealizes the feminine, why isn’t one cooking and cleaning and taking care of the children? I have not heard of one single instance of these men idealizing the feminine by becoming warm and nurturing — they are far too busy masturbating while looking in the mirror.

        I am so sick of psychobabble to explain people’s empty, meaningless, and all too often self-absorbed lives. And, by the way, the possessive form of “its” has no apostrophe.

        Liked by 6 people

      • “If so many of these men have such a fear and repulsion toward hypermasculinity, why have so many of them joined the military and stayed in for decades?”

        The repulsion would be on part of those for which there is an idealization of the idea of an inner female identity, or of feminine properties, typified in many that seek transition. The rest is covered in the “Coping with emasculation trauma” paragraph in the following link

        http://www.oocities.org/transsexual_analysis/transsexual5.html

        “When you leave entitlement out of male socialization in patriarchy, you are left with a very weird puzzle indeed, and need to come up with such bullshit as “masochistic emasculation fetish.” ”

        The fetishistic content is for all to see, for example the tens thousands of blogs if one is to google search “tumblr sissy”. For which the task is then the analysis of how the imprinted fetish is phenomenologically constituted, which I see as sexual arousal by the anxiety of oneself being associated to symbols of emasculation.

        “You seem not to realize that there are men who take estrogen AND Viagra”

        I am not surprised at all that there are those that do this. When most dysphoric AGPs take estrogen, they expect that the loss of sexual libido will allow for them to see whether their dysphoric feelings are genuine. Yet they fail to realise that much of the feelings may be a result of the fetishism and psychologically ingrained to the extent that they remain, regardless of the presence of sexual libido. If you haven’t already heard of it there is a very popular online discourse called “crossdreaming”, which is a trans-reductionist reaction to autogynephilia. Representative of most dysphoric fetishists, is the belief (or desire to believe) that their fetishism is the psychosexual expression of repressed female identity, otherwise the belief that their fetishism is the same as “archetypal” female fantasies, and the more masochistic fantasies as the same as the “submissive” female fantasies.

        “I am so sick of psychobabble to explain people’s empty, meaningless, and all too often self-absorbed lives.”

        When it suits yourself.

        Like

      • What are you trying to say? You think that you can make sense of a fetish and it’s potential psychological internalization, apart from understanding the fetish itself?

        Like

      • You don’t need to make sense (how you can make sense of something that is not rational?) of the internal mechanisms just as you don’t need to indulge the fetishist.

        Do you understand entitlement? Are you simply another MRA who offers up endless excuses for men and their self-indulgent sick behavior?

        People need actual help. They don’t need complicated language to explain their sickness, they don’t need therapists who tell their partners they’re “misgendering” someone by referring to him as he, they don’t need to be told they’re idealizing the feminine.

        But of course to be helped someone has to desire help, to understand they have a problem, and how is that possible when liberals, especially so-called helping profession liberals, want to stroke their hands, tell women that they simply need to accept men as women (I was told this by an asinine social worker), and be told complicated stories about why they want to wear women’s clothes and masturbate all day?

        Liked by 2 people

      • “You don’t need to make sense (how you can make sense of something that is not rational?)”

        An understanding of a fetish (let alone anything sexually stimulating) is constituted in understanding how the particular semiotic imprint works in order for there to be sexual arousal. In the case of masochistic emasculation fetish, it’s etiology is disclosed in the sexualization of emasculation anxiety.

        “People need actual help. They don’t need complicated language to explain their sickness”

        This language isn’t complicated. In addition, I feel that my language is indispensable in understanding and thus dealing with the phenomenon.

        “they don’t need therapists who tell their partners they’re “misgendering” someone by referring to him as he”

        I am simply a person who is stuck with this (masochistic emasculation) fetish and is interested in theorizing it. This misgendering stuff bores me.

        “they don’t need to be told they’re idealizing the feminine.”

        In the case where there is the psychological internalization of the fetish in question, an understanding of it is important to recognise the idealization that occurs and to see it for what it is.

        “But of course to be helped someone has to desire help, to understand they have a problem,”

        When it becomes something harmful.

        “and be told complicated stories about why they want to wear women’s clothes and masturbate all day?”

        That is too simplistic. Most pure fetishists fully understand that they have a fetish, but it is more complicated for those that develop dysphoric psychologies and those that come to identify with and internalize their fantasies. Where there are so many different niches and forms of the very same underlying fetish, there are also so many ways in which fetishists and dysphoric-fetishists come to represent their experiences. On the extreme end there are those that transition, fully believe that their fetishism is a result of repressed transsexualism, and that abstain from their fetishism and wish that it would disappear.

        Like

      • “When it becomes something harmful”

        Am I not explaining *why* this is harmful?
        My intent here is to reach those women *actually harmed* by men. To allow them to speak. To find each other. To educate those reading this about the very real harms these men perpetrate on *women*, and to blow apart the *demand* that these men are actually female, and that they should *never be questioned*.

        I understand that theorising about the root of these men’s behaviour, and their self concepts is part of the picture. But I want you to understand that a lot of women reading your posts are interpreting them as *yet another man rationalising and excusing the shitty behaviour of abusive, narcissistic men*.

        Don’t you think women are sick and tired of that? Don’t you think that many women have already tried to “understand” why men behave like this? Don’t you think that *just for once* women deserve to share their actual experiences without a man dropping in to “explain stuff” to them?

        I get that this is something that impacts on you. I get that you are trying strategies to live a decent life without hurting women. I get that finding the root of it all is important to you. But if I am honest, women really aren’t all that invested in that side of things. We are too busy trying to pick up our lives after surviving the hell that is being involved with a man who is fundamentally unable to feel anything outside of their fantasies.

        So, I’ll thank you for your input, but ask you to take a back seat and use the experiences you may see shared here to *teach these men* about why they should stay the fuck away from women.

        Or maybe you could take on some of the rabid anti-feminist misogynists who call themselves trans activists and who are doing their damned-est to cover up the fact that transgenderism is not about “lady brains”, or “hormone washes”, or any other of a host of unverifiable bullshittery.

        Liked by 5 people

      • I am simply a person who is stuck with this (masochistic emasculation) fetish and is interested in theorizing it. This misgendering stuff bores me.

        Get yourself some help and stop bullshitting yourself. If you idealize the feminine so much, stop analyzing yourself — just another self-indulgence — and engage in some nurturing work: Clean houses for people who cannot do so for themselves. Work in their gardens. Go to the animal shelter and clean cages, walk dogs, socialize cats. Grow food for the hungry; work at a supper program and feed people. If you have a car, drive people to doctors’ appointments, to visit friends, etc. There is work to be done in this world, and one reason we have so many fetishists is that far too many men have little to do.

        I am severely disabled, partially from caring for others most of my life. I would love to be able to walk easily, climb stairs, sleep in a bed. I have no respect for able-bodied people who do little besides play with themselves.

        Liked by 4 people

  5. What about autogynophelia. My ex would fantacise to images of himself dressed up as a woman and lay on his bed face down rubbing himself till he climaxed a dozen or more times a day? Not sexually driven? Yeah right. Some women hate the stereotypuical female role but don’t decide to ‘change’ into a man to remove themselves from the demands society and the role expected of thir sex places on them. I dealization of all things ‘feminine?’. It’s shallow and based on asthetics and not much more. The psychological internalization of the fetish takes on a life of it’s own? What ‘fetish’ is this? The fetish, the ideal fo women and sex? Of the ‘image’ of a woman, her body, how she dresses..and sex? Do they want to be one’s very own complentary partner becasue they were inefficient and unable to have a normal relationship with anyone becasue they have their own sexual obsessions and cannot relate to people due to other mental illnesses they may have? This is what I mean about discussing it till the cows come home. Who the fuck cares? It is what it is. Sick and twisted and it harms women and the health system are buying into it. If I had BDD and thought my face looked unsymmetrical is the ‘cure’ to have severe surgerie/s? Is that what we are advocating? BDD is a mental disorder and so is what they are doing. they have obsessions, addictions and dysfunctional thinking on many levels. It’s not just dressing as a woman. many are ant-social and have other problems that seem comorbid with their ‘condition’..so what does that say?

    Liked by 4 people

  6. As well they play the victim card. With authorities and partners. They can be very vindictive..part of the ‘anti-social’ spectrum. They do not fantaicise or try to emulate’ virtues’ of women such as the nurturing role of a mother or unconditional love of others. They do not serve community work but only serve themselves. Or become a ‘Transadvocate’.. The majority in fact seem to hate women and complain about feminism and the like. Once again playing the victim and slaiming Family Courts and the legal system, Police etc are all in favour of women who are ‘privileged’ and have the upper hyand merely for being the ‘female’..rada rada rah…
    So I have yet to hear of a transgender who is not seriously dysfunctional or not in the sex industry or was at some time whether their own little shows and displays or paid for work..or one that doesn’t hate authority and/or woman and so on..I try not to generalise a whole group of behaviour on the behaviour of a few but..by God..it seems to be the ‘major’ty’..if I am wrong by all means someone say so!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Thanks for writing this. I’ve always supported trans rights and I had no idea I was supporting stuff like this. I think the world should be a safe place for people who don’t fit into conventional gender roles but that doesn’t mean I support men embodying their porn fantasies of women.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. This post makes me wonder when Hugo Schwyzer, famed for his constant selfies and a whole lot of other shit, is going to come out as trans.

    Like

  9. “If you idealize the feminine so much, stop analyzing yourself — just another self-indulgence — and engage in some nurturing work: Clean houses for people who cannot do so for themselves. Work in their gardens. Go to the animal shelter and clean cages, walk dogs, socialize cats.”
    This comment really got me thinking. Trans women are supposed to feel more comfortable in the female role and believe themselves to be female, so if that is true then they should be doing all the cooking and cleaning, doing all the errands, and taking care of the kids. The social constructs around women’s roles aren’t all about frilly clothing, they’re mostly about drudgery.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I don’t think of caring for living beings and the planet as drudgery. I know that’s what society says; women’s work has little to no value, but then I don’t agree with society on much of anything. Other than creative work, what has value other than nurturing? It is incredibly unhealthy for people to live their lives and never cook a meal, wash clothes, diaper a baby, grow some food. I see the entire trans nonsense as the logical outcome of a mentality that devalues the natural world and thinks the manmade world is sustainable and rational. Some of these folks really think the day is going to come when they can have their chromosomes altered — this is what divorcing oneself from reality and all its messiness leads to.

      Liked by 3 people

  10. When I saw the title I knew balls was going to end up meaning the Cindarella kind! Holy hell, the stuff you’ve been put through. I just read your two posts about letters to the new girlfriend and Gas Mark 6. That’s emotional abuse. Counselors are supposed to know that that is the thing. Your description of all this is so excellent. Clear and understated. And my God, who knew? The unending porn. Semen encrusted socks. Kind of says it all. Thank you so much. It would only be a small thing in this whole problem but now I really want to see an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit about autogynephiles.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s