One is Lonely, Two is a Revolution

 

I started this blog mainly so that women who are in, or who are recovering from a relationship with an autogynephilic male can find each other, and to encourage these women to speak out against this abuse. We can be the key to exposing the lies that hide behind the carefully constructed myths that surround these men. The commonly accepted trope that these are “women trapped inside men’s bodies” for example. That it has nothing to do with sexual fetish. That “gender” is an innate “essence”, that must never be questioned. That a “transwoman” is a “woman” because they say so. Yanno. Stuff like that.

I also want to signpost women to authors and bloggers who helped me to make sense of what was going on, and who opened the door to me finding healing, and to turn pain into a righteous anger that fuels my will to devote my life to women and girls. To join the dots between this and all the other ways that women are objectified, marginalised and abused. IT IS ALL CONNECTED.  I would not have the words to express this deep insult to women without them. I would not have been here without them.

A large part of my healing process has been to *really* understand that my troubles, although personal to me, have a political basis – the oppression of females living under a system that supports and perpetuates male dominance. Some women call this Patriarchy. It’s weapon of choice is “gender”.

Understanding the basis of how and why “bad things happen to us”, is the first step toward liberation.

I am not an academic, but I can think, and I can speak from my lived experience. It has always been the sharing by women of our lived experience that has formed the seeds around which feminism has grown. Our experiences are real, and just as valid as any academic paper. Men do not share these experiences – they have no right to claim “woman” as their own. They have no right to create a parody or an effigy of us from their male bodies and then demand that we accept them as one of our caste. They have no right to speak for us. Ever.

If you are reading this, and you can relate to any of my experiences, you are very welcome to post your’s here. Or start your own blog, and we can link to each other. This blog is mainly for you. No one will judge you here.

Who/what this blog is NOT for is to engage with a variety of men who tell us they are women. I’m really not interested in your “No True Scotsman” arguments. I don’t care if you think, “Well that one over there isn’t a *real* transsexual” – you are entirely missing my point. The fact is that *all* of you guys buy into a myth that harms women. Go have your squabbles on someone elses blog. Please believe me, I have heard it all before.

Take Your Noise Elsewhere
Take Your Noise Elsewhere

As for telling me that I should have left earlier, well dudes, that just shows how far you have to go before you even have a glimmer of what it’s like to be groomed into subordination and fed shit about your role “as a woman” since the day you were born. Not. A. Fkn. Clue.

In my dreams, I would love to see the development of a movement of survivors of autogynephilic abuse. Together, we can call out the bullshit. Tell our own stories. Keep it real.

One is lonely, two is a revolution.

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38 thoughts on “One is Lonely, Two is a Revolution

  1. I’m posting this as an example of the shit women get told by these pornsick men.
    “Angelica”, go fuck yourself, sir.

    Your belligerent bigotry is beyond belief! Autogynophilia is equally prevalent in cis females. Feminine mind set is a function of the brain, while hormones also contribute to feminine temperament.
    I have told female people that I do not want a relationship with them. What part of ‘NO’ don’t you intrusive cretins understand?
    What … and now you encourage them to go play the victim of ‘patriarch conspiracy’ too?
    Paranoid and pathetic! :P”

    As for “feminine mindset” . .. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Asshole.

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  2. “I also want to signpost women to authors and bloggers who helped me to make sense of what was going on, and who opened the door to me finding healing, and to turn pain into a righteous anger that fuels my will to devote my life to women and girls. To join the dots between this and all the other ways that women are objectified, marginalised and abused. IT IS ALL CONNECTED.”

    Sing Sister. sing! You just gained a new follower!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am sorry for your pain. Your partner sounds exceedingly selfish and deluded. Some autogynephilic individuals do better, but I have also been attacked for trying to get the truth out. It is likely you know about my book, The Man Who Would Be Queen, which addresses adult transsexualism in the third section. The book can be read for free here:

    http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/JMichael-Bailey/TMWWBQ.pdf

    You can read about how several (likely autogynephilic) transsexuals tried to ruin my like for writing it here:

    http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3170124/

    Christine Benevuto has written a lovely book on her life with her husband (who seems patently autogynephilic, but Christine B. did not write in those terms) who transitioned to female and was also quite selfish and apparently delusional in some ways. I’d wager you know her book, but if not you must read it. (And visitors of this blog should as well.)

    The press is ridiculously biased toward the feminine essence narrative and skittish to even mention autogynephilia as a possibility. But your “coming out” might help–how else to understand your account of your partner–and the more women with this history who come out, the better.

    I am, by the way, strongly sympathetic with the plight of autogynephilic men. It’s a difficult condition. As I mentioned above, some manage it with more grace than others. (I am friends with two and friendly with others.) The first step is to acknowledge the truth of autogynephilia and to avoid the b.s. of imagining that one has always been a woman inside. The second step is to admit that it’s difficult for a partner to be involved with someone with this condition. I myself (not an autogynephile but one who has studied them and written about them) was called out several years ago, by the wife of a transitioning man for expressing/feeling insufficient sympathy in my book for the wives and families of transsexuals. I agree with the criticism, and I’m sorry. You deserve sympathy and support and recognition, and your hard wisdom can help many other women if you’re heard, which I hope you will be. There are strong forces against you: the politically correct media and academy, (some but thankfully not all) autogynephiles obsessed with the inaccurate story and their own needs, and the general hesitancy of society to want to hear about sex. But I believe that the truth is the strongest force, in the long run.

    BTW, expect a torrent of angry comments to mine. Sorry about that–or enjoy if you can.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I do know of your work and I do know of the abuse that you and your family have had to endure.
      Thank you for posting here.
      I can’t say I agree with surgical procedures being the solution to mental problems, but if your work can keep these men out of women’s lives, then at least you deserve some credit for that.
      As for being heard, I’m not expecting that to happen any time soon. As you say, powerful forces are against us. The voices of women who know that these men are in fact *men* are increasingly marginalised and silenced. We can call that “political correctness” – I prefer to call it as I experience it: misogyny.
      The very loud, and increasingly violent rhetoric expoused by so called “trans activists” is the voice of nothing less than male violence, fuelled by narcissistic rage. I am very seriously worried that it may only be a matter of time before one of them actually kills a woman who they believe has aggrieved them by refusing to bow down to their demand to be seen as female.
      Further, it is these same men who are funding and promoting the current trend for “transgendered children”. How better to validate their delusions and further social aceptance of their psycho-sexual disorder?
      As for abuse I may recieve, well that’s nothing new to me. I’m currently spamming it. Actual threats will be reported to the authorities . This is my voice. I am using it.

      Liked by 4 people

    • “The first step is to acknowledge the truth of autogynephilia…”
      Please let me finish that sentence properly Dr Bailey.
      The first step is to acknowledge the truth of autogynephilia … and how it mocks, objectifies, and ridicules the gender role that females are forced into.
      The first step is to acknowledge the truth of autogynephilia … and how it springs from a pornified culture that reduces females to sexual objects, and body parts. Males affected by pornography are among the most misogynistic (and narcissistic) there are, that is after all, the purpose of pornography, to reduce female to object to be used and abused. And that is why these dudes do not ‘make good partners for women’.
      The truth about transgenderism is that it is as insulting to females as blackface is to persons of colour. It should be outlawed, not indulged nor codified in law (at the expense of females).
      The truth about transgenderism is that it becomes yet another barrier for females to enter male dominated areas like STEM (particularly when so many M2T are in IT already). The males wearing ‘womanface’ in these areas count as ‘females’ for the purposes of anti-discrimination monitoring.
      The truth about transgenderism is that it makes females vulnerable in female-only spaces, like changing rooms (yes, there have already been cases of males exposing themselves to women and girls in changing rooms). It impacts women and girls seeking refuge from domestic violence and rape, either in refuges (where any male can declare himself to ‘feel like a woman’) or to counselling whereby these males feel fully entitled to counsel rape and dv victims.
      The truth about transgenderism is that these males are forcing their sexual perversions onto lesbians, by insisting that “a penis is a female organ if on a transwoman”, and if a lesbian refuses to accept this ridiculous notion, she is labelled a bigot and a transphobe. Lesbians are females sexually/romantically attracted to females and female bodies.
      The truth about transgenderism is that it is anti-feminist, and undermines feminism. Feminists are not ‘allowed’ to meet or discuss anything in female-only spaces, because they get called bigots and transphobes—even if the topic is women’s reproductive health. In the current climate, transactivists are targeting any/all gender-critical and transgender-critical feminists, making lists, silencing them, threatening them, doxxing them. In fact, any woman/feminist discussing aspects of female reproductive biology can become labelled as a bigot/”TERF” and make ‘the list’.
      The war on women has not stopped, actually, the backlash against feminism is in full swing. And transgender politics is at the forefront of this attack, holding a handbag and wearing lipstick.
      While there are a small percentage of transsexuals (gay males, with internalised homophobia who can only express their attraction to males by ‘becoming a woman’), sure, I feel sorry for them (well, the non-misogynists among them, some are quite misogynist).
      Get rid of homophobia. Get rid of gender roles. Get rid of pornography. Get rid of misogyny. Then there is no need whatsoever, for transgenderism or transsexualism. Upholding transgenderism only keeps these oppression mechanisms in place. Transgenderism upholds male supremacy.

      Liked by 4 people

  4. Hear Hear! I agree totally with all you say. Your story IS mine! These ‘Transgendered’ individuals, they are just buying into the gender role dictated by society..they get plastic surgery to enhance their sexualised appearance, buy sultry clothes and accessories…believing that to ‘be’ a woman they need to look sexy and attractive. Hmph! They are so confused in their thinking.

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    • Thankyou for this comment.
      Yes, they are “buying into the role dictated by society”.
      However, I think what I have come to realise is that it is the *male* reality they are buying into. The *male* idea of what a woman is. The male gaze.
      This is supported all around by the world we live in because it is men who have the power – the male privilege – to determine what is or isn’t accepted as valid. Who create the images these men get off to. Who create their plastic visions of women’s lives. Who invisiblise our lives and *our* reality.
      I actually don’t believe they are confused. I think they know too well that actual women are not the blow up dolls they choose to emulate. But the thing is, they have the peivilege to ignore the messy reality of our diversity and experience and instead choose a version of their own creation. We are not *real* to them. My torturer told me that he loved women so much that he wanted to *be* one. No. I actually believe these men *hate* us so much, that aparr from their own pornified constructions of us, they cannot even bare to really see us. So they replace us. Did you ever hear your ex say things like, “That outfit is wssted on her”? Or,” What a waste of tits and ass”, if they saw a woman dressed in baggy clothes, or clothes they deemed “unfeminine”? That’s male gaze. That’s male privilege. That is our erasure.
      Thank you for speaking out. Please do share more of your experiences if you can. I want this to be a safe place for you and all women with our experience.

      Liked by 4 people

      • All men hate the women they desire, even if it’s just a little bit. I love men like crazy, but even I can see that. If they want us physically they hate us because they know they can never fully possess us, and if we’re not physically attractive to them they hate us because we don’t please them.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for your reply. Yes it is the ‘male’ idea of what woman is. True. Some women buy into it too. If you look back to primitive tribes there was no difference in attire between men and woman and both work together for their primitive ‘society’ to work. Chuckle..yes. The ‘doll’ thing. Angelica epitomises that! And yes I believe they hate us too. My ex did in fact ‘hate’ women and deride them for being teachers of Maths, accused them of having control over the Law, Family Court and so on it went. And I see what you mean now about not seeing us as real but as a ‘pornified’ image that they try to create for themselves. How very true. So that they do’nt need a ‘women’..they can create and be their ‘own’. Yes. Perhaps you are right. It is all manipulation and the cognitive dissonance they claim or appear to have is all just an act. My ex claims to be a trangendered Lesbian! i.e. a M2F that loves women. he claimed to hate all males and all his male physical features..and yet now he is transitioning he claims to love men and supports them. Once again aginst women and TERFS etc as they call those who reject them. he makes flirtacious comments with them and yet still claims he does not like sex with anybody and is attracted to females. Sheesh. Go figure. Really…I no longer give a flying eff what he is. he sure wasn’t very good in bed or willing to do anything than wear sexy lingerie a coupla times. he would get excited walking past clothes shops and seeing lovely dresses and imagining himself wearing them so he claimed. And would have an erection and climx on his own to fantacsing to himself in womens clothes. I believe it was more like making love to himself in the actual female role as a woman and he didn’t want to admit it. he claims he doesn’t want a vagina and made rude derogatory comments to me about mine when we were arguing. pretty fucked up eh? I was angry and wanted revenge for a long time. I’m good now tho’. Thank Goodness. Come to think of it it was a bit like being with a torturer as you say. Thanks. You are helping me alot. Even now. I have been being way too kind in my viewing of him/her/it me thinx.

        Liked by 5 people

      • Thank you for sharing that. I know that will help others like us. Your ex sounds like a classic autogynophile. Right down to the climaxing while just imagining being dressed as a woman. It’s time we all came out of our self imposed closet. Maybe we can save some women together. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      • @GG: I’m a hetero woman. I’ve known and loved a lot of men, some as friends, some as boyfriends, one as my husband (and of course one as my father, who encouraged me to wear what I wanted and taught me about cars and football and standing up for myself, and one as my older brother who taught me how to throw a mean curveball). The fact that I love their male bodies and masculinity doesn’t mean I don’t still see their faults or their power games or the woman-hating society we live in, though, and it certainly doesn’t mean I think they have a right to use women as unwitting and unwilling players in their dirty sex games.

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      • Dorothy Mantooth says: “doesn’t mean I don’t still see their faults or their power games or the woman-hating society we live in”

        Yeah and their few crumbs they throw women and girls – “throwing a curve ball” lol.- doesn’t over ride the other 99.9% of their terrorism! So saying that you “love men like crazy” sounds strange. I can’t imagine any woman in her right mind ever saying that. That you’re so willing to forgive them for all of their horrendous behaviour is just disgusting. Men as a group are very unlikable. Carry on with your “manlove” maybe that will get you a new couch.

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      • Stepping in here to say that remember that women are conditioned to “love” men. So lets give each other a bit of slack, ok? Not everyone who comments here is going to be a radical feminist. I can live with that. My key purpose is to let women speak about the abuses they have endured at the behest of these men who think they are women. It can take a long time to join the dots, and get past the NAMALT phase.

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  5. “Your belligerent bigotry is beyond belief! Autogynophilia is equally prevalent in cis females”
    This is a bald face lie and he knows it. Studies that go back decades clearly show that paraphilia are far more common in males. Women don’t get erections by trying on little girl’s underwear. Autogynephilia is their dirty little secret.
    If people want to see what paraphilia looks like, this is a good example.
    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/canada/8074450/Canadian-military-officer-exposed-as-a-cross-dressing-killer.html
    Below is a really good article from a woman who worked as a phone sex operator.
    Autogynephilia is often advanced as one of two forms of transsexuality for men–the other involves a very feminine homosexuality that manifests as transsexuality. I don’t buy into Blanchard’s easy two-part typology. But at the same time, it’s ridiculous for trans* people and their allies to claim that autogynephilia isn’t real.
    I know this, because I worked as a phone sex operator for a number of years.
    During those years, I only had one woman caller–she wanted to know who her husband had been calling all this time, late at night.
    However, I’d also hear another type of call from men who got off on the idea of themselves as women. Sometimes, they’d call already using a falsetto. Other times, they’d want me to suss out what they wanted, because that was part of the fun to them–being identified by a woman as someone who wanted to be feminized.
    These callers were among my most lucrative, calling with more frequency and duration than almost any other caller. It’s worth noting that–contrary to Blanchard’s hypothesis–not all of these callers identified as lesbians. Here are some of the things that the callers who wanted to be feminized got off on:
    * Being “hypnotized” into believing they were growing breasts–and they always wanted incredibly large ones–and that their penises were shrinking and becoming a fuckable hole.
    * Being ordered to go to glory holes and rest stops and public men’s rooms dressed in very frilly women’s clothing, and to offer sexual services to men in those places.
    * Telling me about times when they had snuck into women’s spaces, including rest rooms and department store changing rooms, while dressed as women, and had masturbated in those spaces.
    * Telling me about times in their childhood when they had worn women’s clothing.
    * Having me tell them how to do their makeup or hair (yes, they would masturbate during this).
    * Telling me about going to stores selling feminine clothing and/or lingerie, and about shocking the (always female) workers there with their requests.
    http://culturallyboundgender.wordpress.com/2013/04/27/but-theres-no-such-thing-as-autogynephilia-phone-sex-the-male-gaze-and-how-blanchard-and-trans-activists-both-get-it-wrong/
    Below is a link to a blog from a woman who was, or is, married to a cross dresser. This is a good reference and there are hundreds of links.
    http://outofmypantiesnow.wordpress.com/2013/08/23/this-is-transgender/

    Liked by 4 people

    • Thanks for posting. These men are full of such utter bullshit and entitlement.
      I hope women who have been or are in my position read those links. The culturallyboundgender one is extremely enlightenong and I do urge everyone to follow outofmypantiesnow. She’s amazing.

      Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for sharing. That’s rather disturbing, but it’s also enlightening about how men desiring to transition is often a fetish. I don’t usually care too much about people’s fetishes (though if you are a sadist you are bad and you should feel bad), but since they are trying to and have passed gender-identity laws that override sex-based protections and because of them declaring sex-role nonconforming children to be transgender and in need of dangerous surgery and hormones, this is of concern for me as a woman and a concern to anyone who cares at all about the well-being of children. Not to mention this inane gender worship is one of the reasons why it’s not “lesbian and gay liberation” anymore and is instead a narcissistic cesspool of post-modern individualism and special snowflakes who hate us evil “monosexual” gay and lesbians for daring to only be attracted to the same sex. (AKA reason #446225 why I don’t like most LGBT queer groups.)
      Not to mention, I utterly hate how some people are so bored with their lives that they’ll support these men over their wives no matter what so that they can get their special snowflake progressive points.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Bratz dolls pornified, no shit. I have two little girls and they are not allowed to have Bratz; they’re the only toys we do not permit, period.

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    • Hey, Dorothy, I’m hetero, too, and I am TOO OLD to think all men are evil and all women are angels. One can deeply believe in a class analysis of patriarchy — which to me is the essence of radical feminism — and comprehend that people are individuals with far-ranging sets of baggage. I can’t say I’ve known lots of wonderful men, but neither have I known lots of wonderful women. How can we be wonderful when we are raised in our sick, dysfunctional society? I heard nothing from you about forgiving men for their horrendous behavior, but the words were put in your mouth by a supposed feminist. I personally am a nobody, but I do not accept any woman as a feminist who tells other women what to think, what to do, how to live. Sounds a lot like what men do.

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  7. Oh yeah. And don’t let what happened to you define you. Put it down to experience. I hear what you are saying about the myths they portray for e.g. it is not a sexual fetish..when in fact it most definitely is. They are stuck in denial and often believe their own lies. I read the other day how Ricky Martin himself, before he came out as gay and admitted it to himself, would bully gay men! That is how deepseated and strong denial can be. And speaking of autogynawotsit…his latest bf looks just like him! Chuckle…you gotta lugh! Life’s too short to get all serious and upset about stuff… ya know what I mean?! Just enjoy your life and put it ALL down to experience. Don’t hate. It’s pointless. I try to just accept that their are all different types of people in the world and they are what they are for whatever reasons. I saw this program the other night on these guys who dress up in dollsuits and masks. For real! And go out as women. They put them on like a skin, complete with ‘bits’ and breasts and so on…there is a company that sells them, worldwide! (shakes head). I mean to say..ffs..whatever next!

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    • Well whatever gets you through it I suppose. My way is to stay angry at how women get s**t on from a great height by these men. And determined that the truth about these men is exposed.
      I saw that documentary. You do know that in law these men’s “gender identity/expression” is protected, dont you?
      Thats how fkd up it is now foe women. One of these men could actuallt come into our spaces and there’s nothing we can do about it. Because. Gender.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Protected or not ‘it’ wouldn’t be coming into any ‘space’ where i was! I’d be telling ‘it’ to get back to the planet where ‘it’ came from…yes sometimes the Law and ‘human rights’ just takes things too far. In that case it is giving ‘them’ rights that infringe on the rights of others.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Here is an interesting link I will read again later myself. http://daleoleary.wordpress.com/2011/07/09/making-a-disorder-a-right/
    In particular at the end I note how it says they expect us to accept their decpeion and are prone to narcisstic rage when their deception is not accepted or their psychological health is questioned, they claim victim status and mount vicious campaigns aginst their opponents. God. How true is ‘that!’. Anyway peace for now all. I gotta go. But I’ll be back . This is great!

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  9. I completely support your blog and I wish you and all the other women who have been married to or otherwise hurt by these men the best of luck. These fools and their handmaidens drove me to radical feminism by harassing me for my “bigoted” lesbian sexual orientation. I hope more women can speak out against this, even though the forces of political correctness (read: validating male feels at all cost; damn reality) are strong. Most of the time these people focus on woman-hating, so I guess Michael Bailey must have really pissed them off. And by the way, Michael Bailey you have my sympathies for the smear campaign you received. It’s bad enough they harassed you but the fact that they went after your children and so often go after the children of people they don’t like is so wrong. Such pathetic behavior from so-called “rational” adults.
    As for ‘”cis”‘ females being autogynophiles, um that makes zero sense. Conforming to femininity when you are actually female is not the same as being a male who gets off to imagining himself as a sex lady. I think that the female approximation to autogynophilia might be the behavior of some female transsexuals/transgenders who claim to be gay men trapped in female bodies, but that’s no where near as common. Most FTTs are lesbians. There is the barf-worthy and homophobic phenoemon of girlfags/guydykes (aka creepy straight people who fetishize homosexuality) but most of them don’t seem that interesting in any form of transitioning.
    Plus, I haven’t seen as much raging entitlement from the “gay man in a female body” people and I doubt too many gay men are going to be afraid of the boxer ceiling or a female person demanding to sleep with them. The one FTT like that who I meant seemed to just date a lot of bisexual dudes.
    Most of the idiots running their mouths about homosexuality being twanzphobic are the autogynophiles.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. This happened to me, I was in a relationship with your textbook autogynephilic male for a year and a half, and it was a fucking devastating experience. As females, we don’t have to put up with their mansplaining horseshit and demands to be seen as as women. Love your blog, it is a breath of fresh air.

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  11. This is my story. I am 54 years old and suffered years of guilt and also the effects of being used by a “dressing up dolly” by my then “not out” transgendered husband. He lied every stap of the way about our relationship:

    On Being Deceived..But Not Like Most

    Not many people know I have been married twice, why would they ? My husband and I have accomplished what few seem to these days. We have been married now for 20 years and have three lovely grown children, two of which were born after we married. The third though, was born before and was conceived at least, while I was still married to someone else. Not a great sin these days, but I challenge anyone who regards divorce as easy or even a victimless event. I never saw myself as the victim in my divorce but the perpetrator, that was, until a few days ago.

    My ex husband was an only child of only children and with a reasonable degree of certainty, given the longevity of members of his family, he thought he would live to an age where his friends would have all gone long before. This must have been the reason why he didn’t leave a will and heir hunters rang my dad in late January. The experience wasn’t like the sanitised version on TV, where lovely, suited, heir hunters come to your house and pour over your family tree and sign you up as the programme glosses over the discussion of fees with sepia photographs, a montage of the blitz, or neighbours of the deceased talking in respectful tones. No such luck. They rang while I was at work and were only interested in the overlap between my daughter’s birth 21 years ago and my divorce for adultery. When they found out that she wasn’t his , though she could have been: intellectually gifted, pale skinned and tall with blonde hair; they left us alone. In their wake, they dropped a bombshell that Rob had died aged 58 some six months ago and what is more his mum, whom he had assured me was still alive and approaching her hundredth, was also dead and had been for years.

    Any passion I had felt in the nine years’ we were together, died long before the marriage did, so there was no anger or hatred in our parting and, while we had not been friends, we were still on good terms. I had loved his mum too and although she never understood my leaving, so we were estranged, I had looked forward to her hundredth birthday in August 2013 with a secret delight. Both lives suddenly ended for me on that day with no opportunity to say goodbye or a funeral. I was devastated, particularly at the loss of Molly. I like to look at the sky and imagine people that I care about looking up at the same clouds, being rained on, or basking in the sun just like me. In my naive little world view, Rob and Mollie had been walking around under that same sky as me, but the problem was, they hadn’t been, and for some time.

    I didn’t feel like I had any rights at all in their lives, but the point I guess, was that I cared.

    They had only lived over the other side of the county, so I managed to find someone to tell me what had happened and this is where the shockwave came. The lovely neighbour who had mothered him after his mum’s death aged 95, told me in the blunt terms that Yorkshire people use without malice, that Rob had been transgendered went under the name of Cathy or Cat. She (Cat) had amassed a beautiful collection of dresses, hats, shoes and jewellery and when not at work, Rob would become Cat and live a double life which in our culture was still moderately risky and would definitely have earned disapprobation in the traditional Yorkshire village where he had lived. She told me that he had died of a DVT in August following an accident in July. She gave me loads of detail and was kind about it.

    My immediate reaction was a mixture of curiosity and relief. Having taught psychology and a topic on gender for years, I probably didn’t have the prejudice that might have been expected of an ex-wife, who had lived with near celibacy in a marriage and blaming herself for being unattractive, had suffered years of self-doubt and sat under a dark cloud of expectation that sooner or later her second husband would find someone to leave with who was better or sexier.

    The relief was because I had carried huge amount of guilt about what I had done. Rob was seven years’ older than me and when we had met he had set about his task of transforming me from what he charmingly called a “working class oik” with a gusto not seen since Professor Henry Higgins launched himself on Eliza Doolittle. Because I was from a strict-ish Christian background I was relatively innocent and didn’t realise that our almost platonic marriage wasn’t the norm. It took years and a flirty, older colleague, coincidentally a psychologist, to make me realise that my life was lacking in affection. This lack of knowledge or experience may sound implausible today, but my relationship with Rob began more than thirty years ago.

    When, having found someone who did love me, I left Rob with everything apart from my own clothes and a few books. I left our savings and I even paid a month’s salary into his bank account so that he would have time to adjust. For years I couldn’t go to a church without feeling the word “adulteress” was burned into my forehead, and when my husband and I were married and we had our union blessed in church, I nearly keeled over when the vicar wrapped his stole around our hands and said the immortal words “What God has joined together…” I thought to myself, this is only supposed to happen once in your life.

    So what’s the beef I hear you thinking ? Well, my guilt is of course my problem and indeed when I found out a few weeks ago that I had only been supplanted by a feather boa I thought I could live with it. But the problem I have found since is that I wasn’t, I supplanted them. The 1950’s pink cocktail dress he had had since he was 16; the diamante; the underwear and God-knows what else. Apparently, he made a pyre of them just before we were married and he cried. Rob hadn’t discovered himself after me, after us. He had known all along.

    When he met me he knew what he was and had known since he was about nine years old. The full story, I found out is written out appended to hundreds of images he has shared publicly on the internet via Flicker. There Cathy stands in all her six feet of blonde, blue-eyed slightly dame-ish beauty. Brave to a point and gloried in column inches from her “Tgirl” community. Apparently, that’s what Tgirls do, its a community thing, a therapeutic release if you like, of lives they cannot live because we live in a narrow and bigoted world that values the shallow rather than seeks to understand the complex.

    But she didn’t stop there. The profile and commentary contains at least two very defamatory and cruel statements about me which are echoed horribly by her adoring fans. T girls appear to have an exaggerated understanding of femininity, but it doesn’t stop with the clothes, underneath all the bitchiness is also extreme. My own take on our sad relationship was that my first husband didn’t fancy me. I wish he/she too had decided to be similarly discrete.

    I told a mutual friend from university about my discovery and he said that Rob had been very selfish to marry me and to mess up years of my life without ever acknowledging to anyone or even just to me that any of it was his fault. He could not help having a woman’s mind in a male body, but he could have taken some responsibility for the failure of our marriage and he never did, not even in his many published column inches. He chose to deceive me. He had a choice, I didn’t.

    T girls have a difficult road to walk and by contrast, as a moderately heterosexual woman (I don’t believe sexuality is a black and white thing but rather shades of grey) I have it easy at least on the face of things. But today, when I was crying and wanting to share my pain with someone who would understand, I searched the internet for a support forum just to find a listening ear to understand what I had been through. I was looking for the Trans-gender equivalent of Al-anon but there wasn’t one. Of the ills the world have inflicted on transgendered women there is a plethora of sites. The academic papers and analysis are wide ranging and helpful. The memorials and support groups are ten a penny, especially if you happen to live in the US. They even have their own equivalent of “fag hags” perhaps they should be called “Diamante Lils”. But there is nothing for me, no research on the impact on families, wives who have been deceived, or like me have been made to bear the burden of a failed marriage alone. No support.

    We are a minority too and just as hidden. The dowdy pea hen hidden behind a huge, colourful cock.

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