Gas Mark Six

Here’s something I wrote when I was asked to speak alongside Sheila Jeffreys, who was speaking about her book “Gender Hurts”, about how transgenderism harms women. In the end, I didn’t say all this, but for those of you who are interested, here it is..

 

“For the longest of time I told no-one. It is only in the past few years that I have found the words to describe my experience. Thank you, Sheila Jeffreys, and the Radical Feminist community of bloggers for the gift of words.

 

I used to have an online friend (also a partner of a man who thought he was a woman) who likened the experience of being partnered to a transgender to the frog who is put into the pot of water and the heat gradually turned up till cooked – a deliberate programme of de-sensitisation as each limit is compromised or ignored, and each line in the sand crossed by these men in their “journey”. Another woman once told me that “You give a tranny an inch, he will take a mile”…how true that turned out to be.

 

When I first met him, he spoke to me about what he called his “strong feminine side”. He confided in me that he was an occasional transvestite and that it had ruined a few relationships where girlfriends had inadvertently “found out”, or had rejected him when he told them. He told me he had a very low sex drive and instead preferred to just cuddle and kiss. That he felt more comfortable around women. He told me that he DIDN’T WANT TO BECOME A WOMAN, that he didn’t know where the urge to “dress” came from, other than a need to express what he felt were his “feminine feelings” and an attraction to pretty things. He told me he had been doing this since he was about 11 or 12….remember that detail.

I felt special that he would confide this in me.

 

It was only later that I realised that he considered those conversations as “GIRL TALK”. He likes “girl talk”.

 

I couldn’t really grasp those “feminine feelings” he spoke of, since I had never really experienced my sense of self in that way. I thought women who bought into it were un-informed – certainly none of my friends were like that. I hadn’t worn heels since I was a teenager. I never wore make up. I was a conscientious objector to the femininity game.

 

But I believed at the time that these guys are living proof that GENDER IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT. Men and women should be able to wear whatever they want, without the silly distinction of ”male clothes” or “female” clothes. To hell with gender norms….I thought it could be “edgy” and “alternative”.

 

 

Within a few weeks of him moving in, I realised that this was much, much more than just an occasional bout of self-expression for him. It was obsessive, and it had an ENORMOUS sexual component. Dressing episodes (which were at least three or four times a week) were invariably followed by “sex” (which consisted of me masturbating him by rubbing his tucked penis as he lay on his back squeezing his fake tits). On top of that, I often walked in on him masturbating. The mirror in my bedroom was moved to his side of the bed…

There wasn’t a time when he “dressed” and didn’t get an erection. Even after he started taking internet bought hormones. If anything, the thought that he was chemically transforming himself into “a woman”, held immense erotic charge for him.

 

He was a textbook autogynophile.

 

It transpired that he was also a “submissive” – a very common component of this particular paraphilia – and that nothing got him off more than being “forced” to be “a woman”. Of course “woman” meant submissive, passive, always “willing to please”…..He would work this into our “sex life” either overtly or covertly.

 

After a time, it was impossible to ignore that I was no more than a prop in this game. I could have been anyone really. I didn’t even have to exist. As significant as a gravy stain on the table. Many of the women I spoke to in what limited support groups I could find complained of the same thing. Not just the sex part, but the entire being invisible part, and a deafness to *OUR* needs, views, or opinions.

 

I discovered that he was an obsessive user of porn, particularly “shemale” porn, and BDSM fare. I had been very clear with him about my opinions on porn, and was sickened when he tried to get me to participate in looking at these men.

Time and again he would promise to stop, only to be discovered again. He would swing between crying and begging forgiveness and bold-facedly challenging me, saying it was ME that had a problem, that no-body else thought like me, ridiculing my objections and my politics, or telling me that I was paranoid, – even though the evidence was staring me right in the face.

 

He had no intention of stopping. A lot of his behaviours seemed compulsive, obsessive.

 

I discovered that he was using dating and sexual hook-up sites, saying that he was a full-time transsexual, going through the Real Life Test, willing to relocate anywhere for the right lady (of any gender – wink, wink). There was no end to his inventiveness when it came to lying about who he really is.

Using his smartphone, he created an online world for himself by inventing a fictitious life. I discovered that he had a secret Facebook profile, and scores of photographs of himself in varying degrees of undress– I am convinced that trannies invented that selfie – and that he had a coterie of dozens and dozens of young women between the ages of 17 and 24 who believed that he was a full-time transsexual, single, and struggling with finding a job in this cruel discriminatory society. He had a fictitious home life, fictitious job or non-job, a fictitious social life and fictitious friends. He even fabricated a “trans bashing” – this, I found particularly repulsive.

 

He loved sympathy and attention, and “validation” – even if it meant lying and manipulating to get it. The young women were so “Go girl!” and “Awww poor you”, toward him. Some of them called him “big sis” and took their problems to him. Otherwise it was giggly conversations about clothes and what colour to die their hair that week, musings about becoming a stripper or a fetish model, and complaining about getting “slut shamed”.

 

Oh yes, he liked his women faux feminist to match his faux existence.

 

I was outraged that he would be so bold-facedly lie to these young women and demanded that he STOP. He cried, saying , “But these are my frieeeends…”. Ignoring the fact who THEY thought was their friend is A WORK OF FICTION.

Then again, it’s not as if women are actually *real* to these men.

 

Of course he didn’t stop. It carried on as if I hadn’t said anything. Even the several times I asked him to leave were ignored.

He would just get up the next day as if nothing had been said.

 

I felt I was being driven insane.

 

My sense of self, and my belief that I was entitled to set limits or boundaries was gradually eroded as the TRANS STUFF came to dominate and shape every corner of my life. I never knew where or when the next assault to my psyche was going to come, and so I existed for a long time in a state of hyper vigilance. That is, until such time as my ability to dissociate kicked in.

I know from observing trans support groups that many of these men say, “My wife is fine with it – she just doesn’t want to talk about it or see it”.

Many women are surviving through disassociation.

 

Let’s not forget that a well-orchestrated and financed propaganda machine surrounds these men. It has the effect of silencing not just those of us who oppose on ideological principles, but all women who are within these relationships who question the idea that these men are ” women trapped inside men’s bodies “, or who’s lives have been ripped apart by these men.

I know from bitter experience of reaching out, that the primary concern is for the welfare of the trans partner, who must never be questioned as the most oppressed creature to walk this planet.

This is a double whammy to those women experiencing abuse, intensive gaslighting, and erasure of their right to name their reality and to set boundaries. Thee is no such thing as a line in the sand when it comes to trans desire. He gota have what he gotta have.

 

Even within mainstream services, support for female partners is tempered by the need to be sensitive to the needs of the transgender partner, and to avoid being seen as discriminatory. My doctor was happy to give me anti-depressants, but less happy to countenance the idea that what I was being put through was abuse.

 

Increasingly, statistics on DV within same sex partnerships count the trans partner as “female”. There is an invisiblising of male violence within these relationships, and women are suffering as a consequence. We are silenced. We are shamed. We are ereased.

 

A Scottish Government funded survey carried out by the Scottish Transgender Alliance (funded by the Scottish Government since 2007), is often cited as evidence of how very bad it is for trans women, who would appear to experience rates of abuse higher than actual women. Apparently a small, self-selecting sample is no barrier to credibility, nor is the fact that one of the crireria for abuse included “misgendering”. It is of no surprise to me that some women (partnered to a man for some years) might slip up occasionally and forget to call their Steven “Stephanie”, yet this is a heineous act of abuse – apparently. Yet there are no surveys I am aware of, of abuse perpetrated *by* trans “women in relationships. I find this a telling omission.

 

It often feels like no one want’s to hear the woman’s story.

 

For example, at one point (as a means to at least get him to LISTEN to my distress) I begged him to seek relationship counselling with me. Apart from the fact that he used the trips to the counsellor as an exciting opportunity to dress in public, and spent more time stressing about what to wear (sometimes even buying entire new outfits), than any time in self-reflection, the counsellor spent an inordinate amount of time focusing on MY inability to “accept” rather than on HIS behaviour .

 

In one session she grasped on to an incident of “misgendering” that had happened in her presence (I had said something like “Why can’t he understand?”). He had fled from the room in a dramatic tizzy of tears. She stated to me in a firm voice that she is prohibited from working with couples where there is domestic abuse. In other words, I was being accused of being an abuser. This almost drove me mad with pain and self-doubt …what if it really is me? Am *I* an abuser?

 

I can’t begin to describe the pain this caused me. I carried that comment with me for months.

 

I refused to go back. He was disappointed that his daylight trips outdoors with his repulsive “cleavage” showing were curtailed. However it did give him an excuse to now appropriate the identity of “abused woman”.    Sickening.

 

I was started to drop or loose female friends. I would be hesitant about going out with them or inviting them over: particularly with him around. He would laugh and giggle with them and I knew that in his head he was imagining he was having “GIRL TALK” with them, and the fact that *they didn’t know* that they were unwittingly playing a part in his fantasy life made me feel nauseous, and guilty, so I stopped meeting female friends with him around.

 

Then I pretty much stopped seeing female friends at all, since when I tried to go anywhere without him, (telling him that it was “women friends only ”), he would pout and huff and often cry, “It’s because I have a penis, isn’t it?”. When I was away from him he would text and phone me constantly. When I got in he was nasty to me.

 

I was growing afraid of him.

It was easier just to forget about having friends.

So my world became smaller and smaller as his “exploration of his feminine side” took up more and more space until there was little room left for anything else. It dominated every conversation and extended to physical space too. By the time he left, my clothes storage was down to half a drawer and a box under the window.

 

Even everyday purchases were fraught with meaning and reminders of my erasure. I remember having an argument in Superdrug over toothbrushes. There was only one pink toothbrush left, and I don’t know what came over me but I decided that fuck him, I am having the pink toothbrush. He “helpfully” pointed out the purple ones, and the blue ones that matched the bathroom. But no. I was having the pink one and I was going to win this tiny victory even if all the shop assistants were looking at me like I had lost my marbles.

 

We needed a phone. He said he would take care of it. That he had seen just what we needed. He came home with this….

 

shoe

 

I couldn’t bear to bring it up to my ear. My flesh crawled very time it rang.

 

I thought that perhaps if he had an outlet, the lies and stuff would stop. Lots of partners go through a similar “bargaining” phase. The gas under my pot was turned up to full.

So I agreed to escort him to a tranny club.

 

I secretly wanted to see if there would be other women there. I needed to find out if this behaviour is *normal* for trannies, and if there is anything that women had found that made their lives with these men more bearable.

 

He would be beside himself with excitement at going out “en-femme”. I could see his hard on starting from the moment he got out of his leisurely bubble bath (my bath’s were always rushed and fitted in around his dressing schedule). Getting ready was a ritual that took at least two hours. Of course, I was expected to “help”. I’m pretty sure now that he was working that into one of his fantasies he had running on loop in his head.

 

Often trips were abandoned due to some smudged nail polish, or similar “feminine disaster” that would have him stomping around in an agitated state sweating through his make-up, crying and shouting at me. Ordering me around like some demented potentate. Six foot trannies with chipped nail polish can be pretty scary, believe me.

The tranny club comprised of men, in very short, very tight “little black dresses” (had they co-ordinated this? I thought), high heels, a variety of wigs (probably two third of them, long and blonde) and a weird atmosphere I couldn’t quite put my finger on. There were other men there too (not in dresses). They sort of lurked, and leered, most of them not actually talking to the men in dresses, but often sending a drink over for one of them, followed by a raised glass and a wink from their corner – the men in dresses responding with a coquettish smile and a simpered “Thank you”. I found out later that most of the men in dresses were doing each other and calling themselves “lesbians”. I know this, because I found the photographs.

 

And they had a certain gleam I their eye…

Amy Bloom, in her article from 2002, Conservative Men in Conservative Dresses, wrote :

“The greatest difficulty people have with cross-dressers, I think, is that cross-dressers wear their fetish, and the gleam in their eyes, however muted by time or habit, the unmistakable presence of a lust being satisfied or a desire being fulfilled in that moment, in your presence, even by your presence, is unnerving.”

 

The penny finally dropped for me about what I was witnessing…

Another boundary being violated – the boundary that says “Don’t make me a part of you sexual kick, buddy”.

 

 

The experience of getting out in public seemed to turbo charge the tranny-ing at home.

 

Give an inch, take a mile.

 

When the kids weren’t around, his idea of relaxing at home was to potter about in a micro-mini and high heels, affecting a “sexy wiggle” and doing this weird thing with his hands and wrists when he spoke. I told him that women don’t go about dressed like they were about to nip down to a disco *all the time*.

He told me that he had seen “loads” of women that do, and that anyway, he liked the “council house tart” look.

I was always arguing with him about what women *actually* wore, and how sexist his stereotypes of women were, but he would insist that he was dressing like any other “girl” (despite the fact that he is a 47 year old man).

Other looks he liked were –

The “rock chic” look – think Cher in that video on the aircraft carrier. No jeans and band T shirt for this gal!

The “hooker” look – I’ll leave that to your imagination.

and

The “beauty counter girl” – Extra heavy make-up and an old lab coat worn over a bra, pants, suspender-belt and stockings ensemble. I caught him once, sneaking back into the house like that at 5 in the morning after a “constitutional”. Apparently he had been taking “constitutionals” for months , sneaking out while I was asleep. Trannies are expert ninjas as well as exhibitionists.

 

For all his faux “girly-ness”, the feminine side never extended to practical, everyday stuff that most adults have to do to get by – like helping with housework. He literally told me “I can’t do housework because I might break a nail – my long nails are important to me”.

 

Turned out he couldn’t carry heavy bags or lift heavy stuff either, cos he wanted his upper body muscles to wither away so he would be “more like a girl”. I told him lots of women have muscles. He told me that wasn’t “the kind of woman” he wanted to be. Of course not – how nice it must be to get to pick and choose.

 

He spent thousands and thousands of pounds on clothes, make-up, “beauty products”, laser hair removal and internet hormones. I still can’t see a television ad for make-up without an involuntary shiver down my spine.

He would go months without giving me any contribution to the home. Apparently he had “expenses”, and anyway, I wouldn’t have sex with him, so why should he?

 

The day came when he told me that he had “done an online test” and that he was “definitely a transsexual”. Self-diagnosis by internet is the tranny stock in trade. I was alarmed because I knew to the core of myself that these men are categorically not women. That I could never accept him as a woman. Like Sheila Jeffreys says, “woman is an honourific term”.

His story began to change in subtle ways – aided by his community of internet advisors. Now he said he had been dressing since three years old. He now had distinct memories of wishing he was a girl from around the age of five.

Many hundreds of pounds in laser hair removal and black market internet hormones later, and I was left struggling with a six foot, 14 stone hulking man with “breasts” , liable to incandescent rages one minute and tears the next. I was terrified. I began to hate him. No way was I going to wipe his arse if he had a stroke.

 

I was repulsed by him, his insulting attempts to emulate “femininity” and his freakish body. Being touched by him, even by accident, made my skin crawl.

 

I was disgusted at myself for allowing this to happen to me. I was drowning in shame. I was sinking fast.

 

I tried finding help online, but nobody wanted to acknowledge that these delusions are harmful. Rather, I was told * I* had to be educated, that *I* was “phobic”, that I should learn to embrace this. Women were telling me this as well as the trans borg.

 

Had feminism changed so much? What had happened to the idea of women being central to feminism? Why can’t women see that these are men???

I was told  that I was “homophobic” AS WELL AS “transphobic” because I refused to call myself a lesbian. WHAT?? He is a man!! What madness was this???

I went to the doctor and was given anti-depressants. Nobody wanted to hear about my problem with the trans. I was told that “she” must be suffering too.

 

I went to the LGBT centre and asked if they had a group for partners of transitioning males. The young man looked at me, puzzled, “Um, well we have a group for trans women and their friends and families…isn’t that enough?” he asked. I tried to explain why maybe it wasn’t a good idea for women who were struggling in their relationship with a male partner who was insisting he was now a woman for those women to be discussing their problems with their male partner in* the* same* fuckin* room*…..crickets. Eventually he said he would ask the tranny group what they thought. If they were OK with it, then they would “think about it”. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out their response…. More men telling women what they can and cannot do.

 

Women are often reluctant to talk about this. Whether from a sense of shame or embarrassment, or because we have seen the harassment and invasion that takes place against women who have spoken out publicly. Most commonly though, because we are GROOMED AND OBLIGATED TO CARE.

 

One of the saddest things for me, was that when I contacted the few women who I had met along the way (and who I knew to have been put through a variety of torments) to ask them if they would consent to an interview for Gender Hurts, they declined, stating that they didn’t want to be “disloyal”, or for [him] to find out that they had been talking to anyone outside of a tightly proscribed circle. Some didn’t want to risk being ejected from some of the only spaces they have to talk about this – compromised by male oversight though they may be.

 

It gets to be exhausting, pointless and depressing.

 

I know that for many, the greatest state of emergency will be what seems to be the almost unstoppable trend of lesbian women who are “transitioning”, and destroying their beautiful, healthy female bodies in the process – as well as erasing their lesbian herstory and identity.

 

I feel a deep sorrow for this state of affairs, and when I have read descriptions of what women put their bodies through, and the details of the surgeries that some go on to seek, my heart sinks at how self-hating, how female hating this is. It is misogyny written upon the bodies of women, and it is truly terrible.

 

The trend for “transgender children” is particularly horrifying and is evidence of how damaging the essentialist idea of “gender” that is promulgated by the Transgender cult is.

 

In speaking about my own experience, I hope that you understand that I don’t wish to minimise those states of emergency, and hope that what I have said will be taken in the context of how male privilege and entitlement in the guise of transgenderism, is driving a movement that has, and will continue to hurt all women as long as our voices are silent, and women remain unsupported to escape from these men, and to make sense of their oppression.

 

I believe that what women go through in these relationships is a form of emotional violence, and that work needs to be done to raise awareness among not just the wider public about what really goes on within many of these relationships, but also services that support survivors of male violence.

This is not “woman on woman” relationship abuse, and should not be treated or recorded as such. We should not be afraid to see this for what it is – male entitlement. Male violence.

 

No woman who is being abused needs to be told to have compassion for her abuser.

 

Women’s enforced compliance with male delusions, needs to recognised for what it is.

Misogyny.

Abuse.

Erasure.

I’m standing up and saying ENOUGH. “

 

 

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151 thoughts on “Gas Mark Six

  1. The DV M2T will always be understated because so few dare to report it. the abuse of those supposed to help makes it not worth bothering.

    I thank youfor this blog. I just got done being screamed at, etc (won’t trigger anyone w details). I am so tired. so tired now he is crying because it’s al my fault. as usual. I say one irritated thing and get 2 hours of fighting. until I both shut up and hug and apologize its a fight that escalates. the neighbors think we are nuts I am sure. I ruin whole days and nights apparently.
    Oh no the meth and sex stuff never has anything to do with anything. FFS. it’s all in my head. non stop BS. more later. I gotta go.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. my experience
    i wanted to love and understand, to help, how much suffering, oh the poor dear but NO!
    For me something was off from the party line
    I searched trans partner groups, could find nothing, then partners of people who come out, getting so much closer…yes could not actually love me because I was not what was wanted, but still not quite it
    then, bingo…I watched a video of a couple, in IT in California, husband transitioned, in asking wife about relations…something a kin to him looking in a mirror
    revelation
    a flesh mirror…i was being studied…yes servitude and all that which is typical of being female but more, he wanted to study and co opt, even mimicry…then the pretending that he was me, whatever he did to me was happening to him, he was disembodied into my body…it all began to make sense
    the Blanchard and autogynephilia…oh my the true horror
    erotic target location error, self as woman, narcissistic injury and rage, parphilias associated with
    so
    he had wanted to be loved and accepted but because this was not something he could experience as an enclosed unit, he would use me as his flesh puppet, i would be the female expression and prop of his fantasies, he would co opt me because he was too much of a coward to transition because he knew he would be ugly and not accepted as an attractive woman
    it is so important to understand they are an enclosed unit, it has taken years for them to get that way, they have reinforced whatever propensity they had for that target error or narcissism with masturbation and the positive reinforcement of orgasm
    you cannot break through that, whatever started them down that road happened long ago, and even if it was sad, it can’t be undone, only they could have worked through those issues but they have been whacking off to it for years, be aware
    oh for petes sake, to think that so many men are porning out so badly that they reach the point of not being able to get off if they are not both male and female at once, enclosed in the hyper world of the subject and object at once, the be all and end all, and everyone else is simply a witness or some sort of parishioner in a church to their total sexual extravaganza
    no wonder they are so dangerous and filled with rage and hate
    it is the almighty wrath of the hemaphrodite god

    Liked by 5 people

    • “Some sort of parishioner in a church to their total sexual extravaganza, no wonder theyvare so dangerous and filled with hate, it is the almighty wrath of the hermaphrodite god.”

      Wow, that is poetic and powerful. But the fetish and fantasy is just that and obviously like Jackie said women are just props on it. But the REALITY once they transition are organs that aren”t real and mood swings from the hormones, they gotta prop it all up from the violence they have done to their bodies through the surgeries and hormones snd CONVINCE THEMSELVES its really all A ok. Then get us to believe the illusions they have spun about themselves and the “women” they are. Never a crack in that armor or facade.
      The woman they seek is pure illusion, the reality is the vast majority dont pass at all as female and NEVER WILL.

      So they spin out of control if we dont buy into their elaborate fabrications, or “misgender’ them
      Like you said, and all males do it to a certain extent, they FEED off our Female Lifeforce, our Gynergy, and want us to reflect back their carefully constructed illusion back to them.

      When we dont, or refuse to, they become enraged.As one book said, they are the Maybelline version of woMANhood. They dont do chores or labor or stuff that is tedious bevsuse they are too busy being ladies of leisure and expecting the REAL women to service their every need and whim..

      I am sorry you went thru all this Jackie. I was so happy to meet you at Michfest and LOVED seeing you wear your Amazon Michfest shirt in the video.

      I have a friend whose ex husband transitioned too. Even though they did the full transition, she admitted her ex didnt have a female bone in her body. There was nothing nurturant or womanly about them. Also she is very very bitter towards them, and I wonder if he put her through the same stuff your ex did.
      -In Solidarity and Sisterhood,
      -FeistyAmazon

      Liked by 2 people

  3. The parts where you mention his fake online life, where he made up a trans bashing, really struck me. I wonder how many transactivists online are lying about their experiences, abuse and oppression. I mean, I already feel that they are lying about being oppressed. That 1 in 12 murder statistic they love to toss around is complete bs. There’s another ‘statistic’ that apparently proves they’re oppressed because 40% attempt suicide, but that ‘statistic’ was obtained via a single self-report survey, similar to the DV one you mentioned. Somehow this one survey (which anyone could have lied on) irrevocably proves that trans are committing suicide left and right and are super oppressed. No further study required!

    As for their supporters…a lot of online activists, maybe even offline activists, are merely putting on a performance of being feminist and progressive. It’s all a show meant to boost their ego and make them look good without actually being feminist. I believe that their support of trans activism and the construction of trans oppression is a part of the performance.

    Their entire lives and activism are built on lie after lie after lie after delusion. Thanks so much for writing about this.

    Liked by 8 people

    • Yes, almost EVERY MTF I met has been entirely self absorbed and distorted facts or outright lie about their history, background, anything and everything. Claim to be intersex when they are not, to elicit sympathy and support. State stupid stuff thstbtheybare just like a woman withna hysterectomy(no NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL) and other distortions to.bamboozle or garner support or erotic attention

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you. I blog only fearfully, having been accused of “abusing” my trans partner for simply calling for compromise positions some years ago. If they knew how I really felt at this point I would probably be thrown into the street – at the very least, the verbal and emotional nightmare that followed would be horrific.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Glad I read this. I’m currently married to an autogynephile, going on 14 years with two kids, and while he’s a mild case comparatively and I haven’t yet experienced much of what is written here (thank god!) I can add that even the milder versions of this condition are not easy in a relationship. My H has lied, hidden things, down played it and even distanced himself on occasion where I was left blaming myself and assuming he must not want me anymore.

    But I guess the lioness in me was stronger than all this BS and some years back I blew our relationship apart, left, and told him to get a grip or I wasn’t coming back. Funny how a bit of reality can kick someone out of fantasy land. So we had the ‘talk’, the one where I told him I didn’t believe his or anyone else’s nonsense that he was expressing a ‘feminine side’. There’s seriously NOTHING feminine about the crossdressing mindset. These are men dressing as they wish women were like, nothing more. It’s misogyny at its best. It’s also a paraphilia and I told him I knew this, too. I held him fully accountable for his actions and that he better control this beast or it would become the only thing keeping him company at night.

    Thing is, he’s a genuine guy, the kind who does care and prioritise and who is an amazing husband, friend and father. I know he’s fought hard to stem what is a very strong force in his life. I don’t know why autogynephilia happens to some men (I’m certain his childhood had much to do with it) and really, I don’t care as bad stuff happens to many of us and we deal. What I do care about is how they’ve chosen to deal with it – the male privilege that has taken a sexual disorder and turned it into a public agenda. This is men at their worst. To think they are prepared to alter their own personal histories, lie to themselves and the world, snuff out the rights of an entire gender, just so they can openly indulge a sexual disorder is one of the most brazen things I’ve learned. My H’s disposition keeps him from reaching many of these incredulous heights, but does the potential lie inside him? Does he secretly desire to shed the nice guy and play this strange game that so many of them play?

    The answer scares me, as I know I’m strong enough to leave him and that breaks my heart. Why should I even have to contemplate this?

    Anyway, I’m really not surprised by anything I’ve read here. Deeply saddened, but not surprised. Men have been pulling stunts like this since time began. For those of us actually born women, we are forever sidestepping the destruction that men leave in their wake. The trans movement is just another. And here I’m married to one of the mild ones, and yet every day I shake my head and wonder to myself what beast lives inside him waiting to emerge, but more importantly, what beast lives in me that I choose to keep him in my life, or any man for that matter. But such is the human condition, and like most women I work to accept my failings and those of my fellow man. Pity said man will never acknowledge or accept his own. He would rather bend the world and make his failings the fault of everyone else.

    Anyway, thanks for writing the thoughts I so often think yet rarely voice.

    Liked by 6 people

      • Ms AG, your comment brought tears to my eyes. You know what you have to do for yourself and for your children…..15 years ago I was like you, but I chose to put my head in the sand, hoped it would go away. You know it won’t and so does he. I plodded on until 3 years ago he announced that he was going the whole ‘sex change’ route. Not only that, he was going to remain at home and I would just have to get used to it. In fact it was my duty to ‘help’ our children ‘accept’ the ‘real’ him. Three hellish years, until I finally got a court order for him to leave. When he left just before Christmas it was such a relief. We are coming up to our 30th anniversary now and my biggest regret is not separating sooner. My wonderful husband, best friend and father to my children is no more. Useless to mourn such a sad loss. The Trans Movement, and it’s enablers in the medical profession, care not one iota for the widows and orphans that it leaves in it’s wake. Despite everything I have never felt stronger in myself as a woman, as part of a community of real women; mothers, daughters, sisters, friends. For that I will always be grateful.

        Liked by 9 people

  6. You said – ” I told him that women don’t go about dressed like they were about to nip down to a disco *all the time*.”
    That was me in the kitchen!!!!!!…… Sorry, I know its a serious subject however I am cracking up with laughter.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s obvious that what your ex put you through was a form of emotional abuse, but the doctors and psychologists don’t want to admit it because they’re all on board this train. It’s equally disgusting how this abuse is listed as “woman-on-woman” abuse. It’s nothing but madness.

    Well, I don’t support the trans cults. They are the ones that want to completely destroy the definition and meaning of “lesbian” and “woman”.

    Liked by 5 people

  8. I found this blog today and now believe I can survive. On May 7, 2015 my husband of almost 17 years told me that he wanted to be a woman. It was like a bomb had been dropped and I have been numb. He has been jerking me around about how far he wants to go – finally admitted he wants electrolysis and hormones at least in the next several months. Already shaving most body hair and wants to start buying “unisex” clothing to make himself look androgynous. Never asked me how I felt – just expected that I would stay and support him. When I asked him to slow down (while sobbing) so that I could find a way to cope, his response was that he would never be able to make any changes. I found a woman’s blouse and stockings in his closet. I finally stopped crying this week. I have begun to make plans to leave and think I have an inner strength I didn’t know I had. Thought I had gone crazy – this was happening at the same time as the Bruce Jenner transition and couldn’t understand how I wasn’t on the #transisbeautiful bandwagon.

    Liked by 7 people

    • I am rooting for you.
      I fully expect that a lot of women will be going through this in the wake of Bruce Jenner’s clearly autogynephillic “reveal”. Stay strong and feel free to post here whenever you need to vent. We are a growing band of women who are finally coming out of the shadows. Honoured to have you here. xx

      Liked by 3 people

      • I never watched the Kardashian show but have so much empathy for Kris Jenner. And everyone was slamming her for not being “rah rah” about Bruce being “free.” I watched a clip where she felt like there was a part of her life that never happened. That’s exactly how I feel.

        Liked by 3 people

      • And I am also disappointed by the lack of on-line support for spouses. The few online support groups I have found for spouses have rules and such that stipulate you can’t post unless your refer to the person as their “declared” gender. What is with the pronoun police?

        Liked by 5 people

      • Indeed. That is one of the main reasons I started this blog.
        I also believe that doctors, counsellors, therapists, and support agencies need better awareness of how partners and families are affected. When I looked for professional help in dealing with my distress, none of them recognised the abuse that was being perpetrated on me by this man on his “journey”. Or at least acknowledge it as abuse.
        While countless pounds are spent on training and awareness for agencies on the “needs of trans people” and several of their organisations are partly funded by government grants to promote their agenda, the “women’s sector” is awash with policy re-writes that bend over backwards to reassure men that like pretending to be women that their services include them and that women using their services who are “transphobic” will be “educated” to “raise their awareness”. At the same time, funding for the women’s sector is being squeezed harder than ever. So we have a situation where services for women who are being abused by men are shrinking while at the same time women who are being abused by men *who like to pretend they are women* are being further gaslighted (“edicated”) by those very services they may turn to for help.
        The current state of affairs also disguises the nature of male violence in domestic situations since incidents are recorded as *woman on woman* violence. I have tried to find out how many incidents of violence in a domestic setting have been recorded where the perpetrator is a “trans woman” and recieved crickets. Of course, incidents recorded officially would usually only account for physical violence. They in no way even scratch the surface of the emotional and coercive abuse that women go through while partnered to these men. It is an unexplored are in terms of research. The money goes to the trans lobby. Women are yet again ignored. Meanwhile, fhose feminist academics even daring to raise the question (of which they are very few, Sheila Jeffreys being a notable exception) are villified, threatened, and no-platformed. How can this be just? How is this acceptable? Oh. Yes. Because, patriarchy. The needs of men always override those of women.

        Liked by 7 people

      • All the “you just need to be educated” lines are elitist snobbery and that’s all there is to it. Not to mention, the Orwellian-vibe. Actually, while I like school, academia is a patriarchal institution and you don’t need to have a fancy degree to know that biology is real, and you can not change your sex. Women partnered to a man don’t need a degree to know that her husband is, and always will be a man.

        I did take a “gender studies” class and read more trans crap than was healthy then and when still using tumblr. Finding radical lesbian feminism, and Bev Jo’s book really changed my life for the better. Finally, real feminism! I just hope these online resources can keep helping women who have been harmed by these men in some way. There is almost no professional support for women married to these men that doesn’t involve the pronoun thought police in some way. I wonder how a shrink would react if I said I support lesbian separatism.

        Thanks to the digital age, more and more men who would have just been cross-dressers will tell their wives/female partners that they want to be women.

        Liked by 4 people

    • You are NOT alone! these women here have helped save the sanity of many others before you.Your reaction to his behaviour is entirely sane and reasonable .there is nothing wrong with you except what he has done to you – there is everything wrong with him and his behaviour…he needs help, but so not from you….in my case he pleaded he needed me, but i felt he must have really hated me and my daughters to do what he did to us, and very unsafe with this stranger around me and my children… please read anything you can about ‘gaslighting’ including link below – protect yourself. hold on to reality and facts and dont let him waste any more of your life. too many women struggle on with this entirely alone, silenced and threatened, bewilderingly bereaved, you go to the funeral alone, our own identities are buried with what we thought were our lives, alongside the man who is gone and can never come back. the loss of a partner any other way elicits sympathy and support.. but this is one bereavement where everyone else goes off to party while you are left alone to grieve.. the ultimate slap in the face is how friends and strangers celebrate his ‘courage’ for a lifetime of treachery betrayal and lies and disparage you and call you vile names for doing nothing more than being a loving, honest and loyal partner who has been egregiously betrayed and psychologically abused for years… .. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gaslighted

      Liked by 4 people

    • o babe i am so sad for you.. we’re here… and you certainly arent alone… you can speak without fear. there is no arbitary time limit on your recovery… no one will try and tell you you have no right to be sad, despairing, bereaved or angry. no one will call you names if you try to speak. you will always be welcome and safe here.
      sending all my very best and warmest wishes. you have my sympathy.
      together we can at least try to make some sense out of it for ourselves and our children.

      Like

  9. Jaw, I’m sorry that you are going through this too. I know what you mean about the bomb being dropped feeling. I’m moving on 3 years or so after the big reveal. I still have extreme anxiety at the thought of meeting my ex in his new persona. I don’t think any one, other than an ex wife/partner can understand just how abusive it is to have to witness this physical change and suffer the mental changes(I’m talking about the gaslighting that seems to go with the territory) in a long time trusted and loved significant other.

    This is why Naefearty’s blog is such a welcome oasis away from the pronoun police. It took me 2 years to get my ex to leave. He had no choice but to listen to the court order, when he wouldn’t listen to me. I tie myself in knots not to use any pronouns when i talk to him. Heaven forbid I should use his old name!

    Can I just recommend this thread at Gender Trender, if you haven’t already seen it https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2015/04/23/so-your-husband-is-becoming-a-woman-advice-from-women-whove-been-there/ Also Christine Benvenuto’s book ”Sex Changes”

    There is no self help manual for escaping from a misogynistic autogynephile but I’m finding Susan Forward’s book ”Men who hate women and the women who love them” to be full of excellent advice on keeping strong, setting boundaries and ultimately moving on from a toxic, destructive relationship.

    Liked by 7 people

  10. Sorry you went through this crap. I hope your article helps people realize what’s going on. I’m not sure if the tranny idea of “gender dysphoria” exists or not, if it does they must be going through hell but they need treatment not acquiescence. As for the fetishist ones like you describe these are some very selfish and apparently very clever men who need to be exposed. I’m through with feminism because of crazy shit like you described and the social justice warrior morons that infest it. I support equality because I believe in the individual and individual rights and that sex is a physical attribute not who we are. Good luck in the future and thank you very much for writing this, I’m putting a link on my page as well. It’s a great article with a lot of insight. I’m going to share this all over the net. I’m book marking it for sure. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Many of you are missing a major aspect of this, though I agree with almost everything mentioned.

    Yes it is a fetish (99% of it is psychological because even the tranny himself knows he’ll never be a woman, this is not a visual fetish)
    Yes it is promoted by the media/gov
    Yes there is a cult-like following by people who do not understand the details
    Yes it is damaging to ALL involved

    But one thing you are missing is that in our society – being a woman is like being a god, you can blame ‘the patriarchy’ and ‘manliness’ or ‘male violence’ – but this is not the case. There is a reason 75% of trannies are MALE to FEMALE. Simply existing as a woman in our society has been elevated to god-status.

    Many of you mention how “my feelings and wants and needs have been shoved out of the way, and the financial burden is placed on me” this is because (to the tranny) this is how he perceives women are treated. Women’s wants and needs are always in the forefront. The tranny wants a taste of being god (a woman). To be worshiped for merely existing. This massive increase in female privilege is the cause – transgenderism is merely a byproduct. When you bring up “misogynistic perceptions of what being a woman is like” this is how the tranny perceives being a woman is like: No responsibilities. Whatever you say goes. Being wanted merely for looking good and being a sexual object, nothing else required.

    Name an aspect of society where women are not treated better than men (besides if you’re in a relationship with a tranny it seems lol). You cannot. Men realize this. Hence the sudden influx of trannies.

    In fact – almost all male privileges have been erased (for the lower 80% of men in attractiveness/success). Men no longer have any power in relationships, there is nothing keeping a woman with you as a man, in fact there are incentives for the woman to leave (massive alimony pay-outs, child custody, etc.) If you’re in the bottom 80% of men – you realize that in our society you have no power (violence is not an option). Weak men simply want to play god – to be wanted and needed simply for existing – because working hard and being successful is ‘too difficult.’

    Many of you mention a sexual aspect (which is very much true) but many of you miss the point as to WHY it is sexual – female privilege – to be wanted (absolutely and unconditionally) without having to do great things – this is what trannies are after. There is a reason there aren’t loads of historical accounts of transgenderism – because women have never had it so good in comparison to men.

    In the past – for a man to experience the extent of his power – he had to work hard to be successful. Now – for a man to experience the extent of his power – he has to become a woman. These weak men simply want a taste of being god.

    I sympathize with all of you.

    Like

      • Ya ur right all men do is rape and murder. Oh wait the only reason you’re still alive is because men have pioneered every single aspect of your life for you – risking their very lives building roads you drive on, buildings you live in, clothes you wear, the medicine you take, the food you eat.

        Everyone knows the great things men have done for the greater good, let me know when women step up to the plate and do something that doesn’t benefit solely themselves or their offspring.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Can either of you refute this: Name an aspect of society where women are not treated better than men (besides if you’re in a relationship with a tranny it seems lol). You cannot. Men realize this. Hence the sudden influx of trannies.

        Or this: 75% of trannies are MALE TO FEMALE.

        Of course neither of you know anything about good men, leftism produces weak men.

        All that post did was provide a male explanation as to why there are so many MTF trannies. And they keep their penises because they can still get that female privilege they’re after with penis intact. Male trannies don’t actually want to be women, they just want the goodies.

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Hope you find the macho cis straight man of your dreams. Hmm, wonder if he will help with the housework any more than your former partner (I’m betting not!)

    Also, a little education: it’s not just lesbians who are transitioning to men. Some trans men have never identified as women nor found women attractive: I have despised femaleness and the disgusting female vessel I was forced to inhabit since my earliest memories. Why the hell would I want to relate sexually with something I found degrading and unattractive? After testosterone, bilateral mastectomy (aka “offing the udders”), oopho-hysterectomy (aka “cutting out the nasty brood mare bits”), phalloplasty/scrotoplasty (aka getting a nice big p@nis to bang pretty man butts, and a pair o’ balls too) and vaginectomy (aka getting rid of the worthless r@pe gash), I am as close to the masculine gay man I should have been born as, as I could be. I was never a lesbian, I find both women and masculine straight men to be completely unappealing. My partner is a very feminine bisexual (but leaning towards gay) cis man. He thinks I am a bit misogynistic. I say, “if you were forced to bear the disability that is the female body when you were really a man, you’d understand.”

    Seriously, what is so great about womanhood that makes you align with bigots like Jeffreys? Yes, your partner was a narcissist. But it is intellectually sloppy to hold up one person as emblematic of a marginalized group. Everything Jeffreys and her ilk see as unique to womanhood is merely suffering: periods, sh!tting out babies, feeding them like cows, and being socialized into being a painted, starving, plucked doormat. Celebrating cis womanhood is like celebrating cancer.

    Liked by 1 person

    • If you haven’t figured out that the last thing I want is a man, then I think you need to brush up on your reading comprehension.

      But more importantly, I hope you get the psychological help you clearly need. My heart grieves for your pit of self-hatered. I am so sorry you have suffered this way.

      Liked by 3 people

  13. As a self-diagnosed autogynephile, I agree with most of what you say. I personnally don’t want to become a woman, I don’t think that such a thing is possible, but even if it was I don’t desire it. I like being a man in everyday life for all the advantages I get from it in terms of professional success and credibility. I would not want to take hormones since I understand they kill libido, which would defeat the purpose since this whole thing is mainly about masturbation and stronger orgasms, if I’m being honest. Also would never want to mutilate myself, because then, no masturbation either… However I admit I am aroused at the idea of dressing as a woman and adopting a more “feminine” look. It has been a problem for me and I hope I can overcome it. I don’t believe that all fantasies must be enacted. And in any case, it should not be at the expense of family and close ones.

    I am not happy at the current trend in culture pushing towards tranny acceptance, which is the logical next step after the mainstreaming of homosexuality. It is like someone trying to stop smoking pot facing legalization in his state. Of course it is harder to give up a bad habit when it is pushed on you in the media and at every street corner. The main thing keeping me from going further down the path of autogynephilia is self-pride and shame. For this reason, I believe that shame is a pillar of a sane, normaly-functioning society.

    I never felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body. I never wanted to express “my feminine side” if there is such a thing. Everytime I hear or read these lines in media, it sounds like BS to me. I’ve read a few tranny forums from a few years ago (before “gender” became a thing) where some trannies admitted to it being mainly sexually motivated. What I do remember is my first sexual fantasy at around 13 where I imagined swapping for a female appearance… I think what is exciting in it is the idea of helplessness that we as men link to being a female. That’s also why this fantasy is related to BDSM / submissive fantasies. Helplessness which ties into the orgasm being a moment of letting go of control. Of course, helplessness comes with not having any responsability, which allows the removal of all control and thereby the orgasm. There’s also the excitement of it being something shameful and taboo.

    The sad thing is that I have never enjoyed vanilla sex as much as I have enjoyed the autogynephile fantasy. I was thinking that maybe I could find a woman who was ready to compromise, because I intend to marry and have children, but at the same time I would not want to be selfish and cause a nightmare to other people. Probably if I could reach the same orgasm in a normal way, I would have no incentive left to pursue autogynephilia.

    The problem is that in the current culture, the answer is to “acceptance”, but to me acceptance feels very much like a smoker giving in to his habit. Also the fact that it can lead to self mutilation is disturbing and scary as far as I’m concerned. I was just looking for a bit of crossdressing fun but to think that maybe I’m on a slippery slope and that this is a gateway drug makes me wonder if this is not more serious than it seems.

    It would be better if the culture was towards finding ways to mute the autogynephile desire and replace it with a normal desire. It’s also true that nowadays it is actually possible to go pretty far in achieving a passable look. The barrier to entry is also lower than ever, you can buy clothes and makeup online, for a couple thousand bucks you will find a surgeon to perform any kind of body modification, and people are required by law to be tolerant… But your testimony is maybe the sign that the backlash is starting and that the culture is starting to move in a more conservative and sane direction. If not by our own decision, it will be by that of our new muslim overlords. Also, agree with poster above that transgender issues are related to the destruction of traditional gender roles by feminism, and for some weak guys becoming a woman might seem like a way to a life with less responsibilities.

    Like

    • My H’s cross dressing has been so painful. I will tell you now, there is no compromising with this behavior. One support ‘friend’ spoke of how her and her H agreed to him just painting his toenails. It did not end well. It ramped up quick and to extremes. It is a very selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic behavior. Very painful. Some days I feel like my life is out of control, even though it’s not by my doing. Best of luck to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. This is so similar to my personal experience, it’s so refreshing that women are now coming forward about this subject with extremely similar stories. When I was going through this a few years ago I would Google for hours trying to find blogs or articles written by women in my position, desperately trying to find something to explain what I was going through but never had any luck. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I discovered my H’s cross dressing just over a year ago. We have been married for over 15 years. I was crushed beyond belief. Heartbroken, stressed, depressed, resentful, disappointed, etc. After several weeks of sheer terror, research and nausea, I confronted him. It’s a long story, and I did find an online support group. He at first said it was “A part of who I am”. My heart sunk. He came around and got rid of all his stuff. My mind cannot erase pictures I’ve seen.
    I found your article very interesting. Fascinating that this issue runs on a twisted male chauvinism. It becomes allllllll about them, and they can’t see how they get to “pick and choose” ONLY the aspects of womanhood that they like. Forget the fact that women, TRUE women are ‘ gifted’ with all things ‘woman’ and can’t choose (periods, childbirth, growing up female, jobs, sports, power, etc).

    I have to say, my experience has been no where near as harsh as yours, and my H has really been working on his stuff. What really sticks with me now, and I can’t seem to shake it, is that somehow this has made me feel LESS attractive. Like I’m no longer good enough. It’s a real head twister.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. This article was excellent. I feel completely discarded by my husband of 15 years–he discarded both me and our teenage child so that he could pursue his secretive cross dressing activities, and he acts like he was never a father and hasn’t contacted our child in 2 years except on Christmas and birthday. I too feel like that huge chunk of time with him and us as a family never existed. What is scary is how secretive they are…he kept the whole thing extremely well hidden…there were only a few signs…I found underwear that was size 12 and I take a size 6 and he told me they were mine…he also went out and bought the same outfit I had and said he got made fun of at work…I found out he was hiding clothes in a locked drawer…then he began removing hair from his body…he would blow up in rages and find excuses to storm off I believe to crossdress inside his vehicle or to throw a fit before every single time me and our child had an activity or special occassion to go to so that he could remain home to crossdress. He became very abusive but would not tell me what was going on…saying things like “I can’t stand being in my own skin” but refusing to say what that meant. I found out he had been on Craiglist and calling men. All I can say about these guys is that, at least in my experience, my ex seemed to have constantly seething envy towards basically EVERYONE. People who had a better house, more money, more talent, someone who got something new, and it just naturally I think extended to envying me as a woman in a pathological way and wanting to have what he perceived I had being born a woman. I think they just hate everyone…they hate men because they don’t want to have to act like one, and they are jealous of women. MIne would throw fits so he wouldn’t have to lift heavy things. It would take me paragraphs to describe the gaslighting towards the end. I think crossdressers are extremely self-absorbed and are in love with themselves…I think they are very disturbed people…also I truly felt like he developed multiple personality disorder…like his desire to be whatever woman he was turning into was an extreme compulsion and he would rage if anything stood in the way and nothing else mattered…it almost seemed like he was satanically possessed like something had taken over him…I don’t really believe in satanic possession but I don’t know how else to describe it seemed like something had taken over him that changed his personality, even the way he would talk, and made him care for nothing but worshipping himself….he did not seem bothered that he lost his family over his compulsion and in fact blamed the whole thing on me.

    Like

  17. You can all argue among yourselves.Having read the entire long article and being a caring man more than ever before,the author was more or less describing myself I did most of what she described and treated the girl I loved in a similar fashion for which I am very ashamed.

    I can tell you with all sincerity that being trans is mentally harming to both yourself and your partner.Much of it is in fact a delusion, no matter what quality makeup or fashionable clothes you wear,you will always be a man. Sure you can look amazing and dare I say it some even better than your woman partner,but nothing changes.You can take hormones get SRS but you are only a ‘pseudo-woman’ you can never bare children.

    I learned my lesson losing the woman I originally adored and was so attracted to.She being a little on the quiet side must have thought me deranged and I cannot blame her.
    I am on a light regimen of antidepressants which have helped me see the error of my ways,the addiction/obsession that CD and trans everything really is.
    I want NO part of the trans community as they are a selfish bunch who only think of themselves. I am no feminist in reality just a man who feels ashamed now.

    Like

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